Saturday, December 26, 2009


Well, my first year as an adult has ended, and I am happy to see it go. However, I'm only glad to see it leave in lieu of the new year of adventure that awaits me :)

get your own layout here.

At the risk of sounding totally nostalgic and pensive I have decided to take a look back on the weirdness of 2009.

If I learned one stark fact of reality, it is this:

Shit happens, and it happens to everyone.

Deal with it! Figure out a way to get through the mess, celebrate the good times, and keep the optimism on high. 2009 has been both fun and hard. The passing of a loved one, a friendship faded into nothing, relationships rising and then dying, going to college... tough things have come to pass, because that's life.

I've made new friends, renewed old friendships, and had so many truly "good times." Plus I've gained some valuable life lessons from it all ;)

I'm so happy--so amazed that I've come through it all just in time to celebrate the end of 2009 with a genuine smile on my face. I have a clear head. I've made it through losing a best friend at the beginning of the year, and my first semester of college, at the end of it. Closure, moving on, finding new life... yeah, I've reached the end of a long tiring story, only to find a new chapter of life about to begin.

I'm better off because of it all.

I end 2009 with a healed, strong heart that is 100% ready to love and be loved when the time comes. I end 2009 with a successful academic career in hand, a new job (Thank you GOD), and many loving persons surrounding me. I end 2009 with new goals and dreams in mind, with many dreams fulfilled.

Essentially, I end 2009 with a sense of contentment and understanding, and replace it with a strong, vibrant hope and determination to live out 2010 to the fullest.

Call me cheesy, call me corny, but I'm ready to begin the new year right: with all the love and wisdom that 2009 was so good to give me.

Bring it on and a happy new year!


Sunday, December 20, 2009


It's safe to say that I have no clue what I'm doing.

Carrying on in a disastrous, impetuous, impulsive way seems to be the only thing I know how to do at present.

All I can say is, thank God that He's in charge of my life, because I'm definitely not.

Stand by for when this storm blows over!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Reflections of a First Semester Freshman

Or am I sophomore?

I feel like a freshman, and until my transcripts transfer over, that's what my records say too.

My first year of "college" (community college...) felt like an extension of senior year. Just bsing through classes, hanging out with the bffs, partying on the weekends, arguing with the parents, etc.

Regardless of what year I am, the fact is that this was my first semester at a 4-year university, dorming and being on my own. It was my first real college experience, and as such, it deserves a bit of blog-time.

I left home something resembling an emotional wreck, with low self-esteem and a jagged perspective on life and how to live it. I'm coming back totally changed. My spiritual life is getting back on track, my self-esteem has risen [almost] back to what it used to be, and my perspective on life--school, friends, and boys--has taken a turn for the better. It's awesome.

Nothing miraculous happened. I met some people, made a few friends, did some things that are essential to living a good life, taken a few more steps towards my career etc. But somehow, during my three and a half short months at school, I learned that even when you're feeling really down and everything seems impossible, there are ways to get through the day and to just do what you need to do. Life goes on and you can choose to greet with with a buzzkill frown or you can meet it with a smile and a prayer. Guess which one is better?

I learned to do homework and NOT procrastinate (sometimes), I learned to balance social life and school (for once), and I actually ran more than a mile in one day! I also gained 10 pounds but that's what Winter Break is for, isn't it?

I think one of the most important things I learned this semester is to let it go. Just... stop giving a damn. So things didn't work out like you wanted them to, so you didn't get the job, so all your friends still get money from their parents... so you don't have the perfect life. Whatever. I've learned to count my blessings. I started thanking God for my blessings as I fell asleep and you know what? I honestly have yet to fall asleep thinking I've "had the worst day ever."

I think this rather uneventful semester at school has taught me to think positively, to just press on... it's been good.

It's nice to actually belong to a school too. To actually have a school mascot, school colors, school spirit. Don't homeschool your kids guys, they'll grow up to have a school identity complex.

This is a rather shoddy excuse for a blog and I promise once the craziness of finals has ended I will edit it to accomodate your small, attention span deficiencies but until then, thanks for reading if you got to this point :)

Here's to a wonderful Christmas Break, with zero romance and 100% good times with friends and family.


Saturday, December 5, 2009

Spring Semester

Well, Fall semester is almost done and I am stoked!

It's been an interesting three months, plenty of struggles but an equal amount of good times, new friends and new memories :)

That being said, I'm also looking forward to Spring semester!


9:30-10:25 Chapel
12:00-1:15 NT History & Lit
1:30-2:45 Math 120
6:00-8:00 Dance


8:30-9:20 Intermediate Swimming
10:30-11:45 Foundations of Christian thought
12:00-1:15 Principles and Practice of Editing and Design
2:30-5:00 Work


9:30-10:25 Chapel
12:00-1:15 NT History & Lit
1:30-2:45 Math 120
3:00-5:50 Intro to Public Relations


8:30-9:20 Intermediate Swimming
10:30-11:45 Foundations of Christian Thought
12:00-1:15 Principles and Practice of Editing and Design
4:03-6:20 Intro to Photo Editing and Design (if they let me add!)


8:00-9:30 Work
9:30-10:25 Chapel
2:00-5:00 Work

And I'll be working whenever I'm not in class ... mostly monday mornings & tuesday afternoons, + friday i believe?
*fingers crossed that this job follows through*

So it looks like Spring will be cuhrazzyyy.
Should be good. Can't wait to see what God has planned :D

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Current Obsessions

Just thought it'd be fun to share some of my favorites [right now]:

The Notebook;;

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Yes. Even though the book is much better, I've come to enjoy the passion and strength of the love Noah and Allie share with each other. And the 40's fashion is always a great inspiration ;)

The Temptations;;

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I've reverted back to oldies, mostly from the 60s. To be specific, My Girl has been on repeat for quite awhile...


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Okay so confession... I've been obsessed since early June and I have proceeded to watch every episode since. But seeing as there is a HUGE poster in my room, and I'm re-watching every episode AGAIN, it is definitely still a current :]

Hilary Duff;;

Photo Credit

I love her body and fashion sense! I endeavor to have an in-shape body like hers haha :] I've actually been following her fitness plan [because yes, i am in fact a dork], and it's pretty much been my nutrition Bible :D

Hollister/A&F hoodies;;

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Yes I half-shamefully admit that I have reverted into my highschool obsession of those comfortable but slightly overpriced hoodies that they sell... as in, buying a few more this holiday season most likely :x don't hate!

Working out at the gym;;

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In a previous blog I mentioned that I was in love with Exercise TV and that I would never hit the gym if I could avoid it. Well, guess what, I caved. And I am in love with all the exercise equipment and don't get me started on classes!


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My love for that place has resparked recently. Yes, four years later and I'm still going strong, with my AP as an engagement ring hehe :]

Victoria's Secret Lipgloss;;

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Enough said.

Hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving!


Thursday, November 19, 2009

Autumn ending.

Photo Credit.
Fall. I prefer the word Autumn :] There’s something poetic about it. It seems to wrap crunchy leaves, clear skies, and pumpkin spice frappucinos in itself, and suggests the feeling of a warm scarf around your neck.

I’ve always taken immense contentment in appreciating the seasons. There is just something so pleasant in noting the changes in the weather, and the passage of time that it signifies.

I sit outside, under a patio made of vine-covered brick, listening to a bird chirp, the fountain bubble, and intellectual conversation around me. I feel the slightest of slight breezes, I take note of the clear blue sky, and I smile as I take in the fresh feeling of a typical fall afternoon at my university.

Fall signifies change. It has been a slow season for romance, as usual. My focus is almost entirely on school and job responsibilities. Family comes in a close second, and my social life is sporadic, though fun.

It is tense each day, because something is bound to change sooner or later and I wonder what this change could be.

Last year it was meeting a new group of friends, it was waiting to be ungrounded, it was reaching into the unknown...

I’m going to Santa Barbara next weekend and I couldn’t be more excited. A change of scenery, distance between school and myself, distance between my usual thought process. I wish it could always be so.

Something changed this week. I've just broken down. I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm tired of going around in circles. I'm tired of living in my head.

been there done that way too many times before.

Fall is change.
Autumn is change.
Hello season of different.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

full of possibilities

this past weekend i turned nineteen.

i'm not one to look back on my 18 short years of life for long amounts of time, but i realize that my 18th year could have been better spent.

don't get me wrong, there were MANY good times, few bad times, and spurts of growth, but it wasn't enough. i lived my year out with zest and adventure, but not with passion and purpose.

that is what i want to change this year. my nineteenth year from God.

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i just want to laugh at the little things and love until my heart breaks (again). I want to appreciate what I have, and work for the things I want. I want to grasp my studies, job, responsibilities, and meld them into something i call my career. I want to travel a little bit and gain some more wisdom while i'm at it. I want to seek God, feel His compassion, and follow my calling, if I can hear it.

i just want to freakin LIVE.

i've been way too focused on the now... too focused on the next party, the next meal, the next dance sesh...


can i just experience everything to the utmost part of my soul, mind, and body? can i just feel the fullness of LIFE?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Metal Tooth:

Okay, I'm not saying this because I'm friends with these guys, but this show is hilariousss.

I'll write a review in full later, but for now, just watch the video.

Everyone needs that extra laugh in their life.

Check it out!


Saturday, November 7, 2009

Whiling Away A Saturday Afternoon

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Saturday afternoons were meant for recreation and/or relaxation.

I'm fairly certain that it was in God's divine plan to have a day set aside for pure relaxation and enjoyment. (Don't believe me? Read Genesis Chapter 1!)

Though I would rather be out biking by the beach or relaxing with a best friend, I chose today to do two things I've been putting off for a very long time.

First, I'm watching one of my all-time favorite movies (though I've seen it only once), Somewhere In Time.

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It is, in my humble opinion, one of the best, if not the best romantic movies of the past five decades. And the soundtrack just kicks your soul into an uplifted state of beauty.

And I'm also writing. This movie seems to inspire me to write more than any other movie does.

And so, with a glass of cold water in my hand, a wonderful love story unfolding via the TV, the warm breezes of a California autumn singing through the screen door, and my Mac on my lap, I resign myself to a relaxing afternoon at home, without the stress of college.

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These moments are rare. I hope to savor this one :]

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

"I'm driving drunk...arrest me?"

Yes... apparently some people feel the need to turn themselves in to the cops.

It's stupid to drink and drive, but this... this is just a whole new level of WOW.

Monday, November 2, 2009


life without focus is life without a plan.

and unfortunately, despite my tendency to "wing" the little things in life (i.e. homework, exams, weekend plans, etc), i have found that winging life is just another way of watching the next 15 years pass by with little accomplished and much time wasted.

so. focus:

-finding God
-learning to love myself & be happy with who I am
-improving on what I dislike about myself
-finding God's purpose for me
-moving on

It's all about moving forward and sinking inward. Enough about the past, enough about projecting an image, it's time to be real. It's time to LIVE IN THE NOW. It's time to take a look at myself and ask, "seriously, who the hell are you?"

I've stopped caring. I've stopped looking for love, for creativity, for care, for security, for happiness...

Now I'm just living on a day-to-day basis, based off the aforementioned scavenger hunt of discovery, and praying that this whole thing won't be for naught.

Do I make sense? Probably not.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Mosiac Interpretation

This is me:

Photo Credit:
heather bokeh ..dedicated to dear Heather !, 2. When Waves Collide, 3. re-ment cake madness, 4. Fresh Slices, 5. Opening Ceremony, 6. Untitled, 7. Paragliding along the Aurlandfjords, 8. FP :The Joy of Friendship, 9. Bliss 4

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search (
b. Using ONLY the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Mosaic Maker. Change rows to 3 and columns to 3 (
d. Save the image and post it on this note.
e. If you're tagged, pass it on and tag me, too!

The Questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite color?
3. What is your favorite food?
4. Favorite drink?
5. Dream vacation?
6. Favorite hobby?
7. What do you want to be when you grow up?
8. What do you love most in life?
9. One word to describe you?
In this photo: coke, turquoise, barbeque

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Law-Abiding Citizen

Photo Credit

Given that it was a Saturday night and I was actually not busy, what better way to spend it than with a wonderful old friend and a good movie? Honestly, it doesn't get much better than that after a long week of conferences, clubbing, and crying.

We were supposed to see Paranormal Activity, but because it was sold out, we watched Law-Abiding Citizen instead.

It was a well-made movie, balancing furious action with "omg what the f*ck is going on" suspense, and smart dialogue with smart ass banter.

While this may be a standard action/law flick, it wasn't entirely predictable. You're watching the plot of a total psycho unfold, and as such, you have no idea what to expect. I mean, the guy is a flippin' NUT, thus his actions are most unexpected. Jamie Foxx is excellent as always, making the a smooth transition from detached worker of the law to a furious, justice seeking badass. Gerard Butler also did a great job. His acting was subtle in that you could catch a flicker of sanity as he remembered his family and felt a shiver of terror when you saw his total lack of morality. It was just so REAL at times. You keep bouncing back and forth between rooting for the law (which we all secretly hate), to rooting for Clyde, despite his seriously disturbed methods of fighting The Man.

Bottom line: this is a movie worth seeing.

It makes you question the law, it makes you question the stability of your mind, and it makes you question what happens when you die. A triple threat, right?

And now it is time for me to yawn loudly and return to watching the Yankees vs. Angels.



Thursday, October 8, 2009

viva la vida

There are not enough hours in the day, and not enough days in the week, to post the brilliant onslaught of bloggage that I wished to smother you with.

Sarcasm runs abundant in the previous sentence, by the way.


I have some great posts I would like to eventually publish but as it stands, my schedule is too hectic to forge out even a smattering of witticisms.

However, this weekend may actually be a tame one (HA who am I kidding...), or at least, there may be a few hours come Saturday or Sunday, for me to post something worth reading.

So stay tuned! It'll be here!

I have just wasted a good minute or so of your life.

Have a good day!


Saturday, September 19, 2009

The Event Planner

"'For I know that plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me an I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'"
-Jeremiah 29:11

God isn't going to give us things we can't handle. He's going to use us for His will and glory. It's just hard to remember the Big Guy Upstairs when we're so swamped in homework, jobs, careers, and just life in general. But it really helps me to sit back for a moment and realize that it is His plans that are perfect, and not mine. It is His plans that are going to be fulfilled, not mine.

I am a planner, so I have a tendency to want to control everything to attain the outcome that I want. But I have to constantly remind myself that God is the true event planner here. He handles all the PR stuff. It's God who knows the right people to call, who communicates with everyone, and puts the right notifications out there... and he doesn't even need Facebook or Twitter to do it.

It's God who controls my finances, insures my safety, and guides my steps. Well, he tries to guide my steps, and I'm sure just like other event planners, He shakes His head sadly as His distracted and bumbling clients [aka me] dithers and dathers in an indecisive circle.

God is perfect, and so is His will--in the words of Paul, His pleasing, perfect will. His plans will never hurt us, but prosper us.

So why are we so dead set on trying to fix everything; trying to get that boy to like us, trying to get our careers started, trying to walk the path we've set for ourselves... all very admirable ambitions to be sure, but sometimes we have to sit back and say "Jesus, You know what's up here. I'ma pray for a lil bit and let You tell me what to do."

It's hard, but at the same time so relieving to know that we have an event planner doing all the big things for us. All we have to do is listen to Him and do as He says, so that by the end of this party we call life, we can go to Heaven knowing that His will has been done, and that our purpose has been fulfilled.

God is the ultimate event planner, and the ultimate event planner doesn't plan anything that could make our parties go awry.

It's the guests and the hosts (us), that do that bit ;)


Saturday, September 12, 2009

The Soundtrack To My Summer

As the warm breezes of summer gives way to the crisp autumn air, I sit outside soaking up the waning rays of a summer sun. I find, true to form, that there are several songs that will forever be define my Summer 2009. The list is as follows, each with a special meaning, memory, or feeling that will stand out for a while:

1. The Little Things - Colbie Caillat
2. Feeling Alright - Rebelution
3. All Again For You - We The Kings
4. Who I Am Hates Who I've Been - Relient K
5. This Love - Maroon 5
6. Down - Jay Sean
7. Dreaming With A Broken Heart - John Mayer
8. Bubbly - Colbie Caillat
9. I've Got A Feeling - Black Eyed Peas
10. Girls On The Dance Floor - Far East Movement
11. Sinner - Big B ft. Scott Russo
12. You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift
13. August Is Over - We The Kings
14. My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson
15. After Hours - We Are Scientists
16. Enter Sandman - Metallica
17. Don't Trust Me - 3oh!3
18. That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings
19. West Coast Friendship - Owl City
20. Secret Valentine - We The Kings

and for the record, I didn't leave my heart in the South Bay. Oh no, it's beating strongly [for the most part] and it is definitely right here with me :]

Thursday, September 10, 2009

heather in wonderland

College life has had its ups and downs but despite the downs I without a doubt, love it. To even imagine myself being stuck at community college yet another year blows my mind, it makes me nauseous. I feel like Alice when she fell down that rabbit hole and began her dream; somewhat bewildered by the changes in her world, but pursuing the White Rabbit and seeking for answers with dogged determination. This new world makes her see things differently, as it should, and she meets the most interesting of characters along the way.

My old life is still intact, my friends, family, and trials are still present. But this new life offers me a way to grow, spiritually, physically, mentally, and it helps revives me emotionally. The ennui I felt so often this past year has ceased to plague me.

College. It makes you thrive, it challenges you, it makes you laugh and smile, it makes you exhausted. It makes you feel as if you're truly trying to Carpe Diem.

I feel independent [albeit not financially.This is the time to forget about past mistakes and start over, clean and refreshed, but with the lessons I've learned from high school.

I feel like a child, surrounded by thousands of balloons, each one holding a new direction to follow in life, and it's all mine for the choosing. I'll probably end up spinning in dizzying circles trying to catch every one at once, and though I know I can't do everything, I'm willing to try!

Cheers to insanity friends, this is my college life.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

the power of love

This skit always brings tears to my eyes. It hits home EVERY TIME, and just reminds me that Jesus isn't merely standing there, watching us live our lives, but He's fighting for us and protecting us.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

what it is.

The wounds have closed up but there will always be those golden memories under that hidden scar.

Monday, August 24, 2009


"Hungry I come to You
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry..."

Tonight the incoming class went to Corona Del Mar for some crazy intense fun, food, and beaching it up in general. After all the craziness though, as the Sun began to set, the SOS leaders lit up about 5 bonfire pits, and in the center, set up their worship stuff. So as we all snuggled into our hoodies and gathered in groups of newly formed friends [seriously, i hang with a new group every day, several times a day haha] they started strumming worship songs. It was really cool to see 1,000+ college kids just worshiping God right there on the beach.

They eventually played the song "Hungry" and singing that just helped me to heal so much quicker. I am empty, weak, tired, hurt, and knocked down, but God is all powerful and He's going to take care of me. I just have to surrender it all to Him. I feel more full now then I have in such a long, long time. It was like God came down onto the beach and told me, "Hey, I'm still here. Follow me when you can."

It'll take awhile for me to get to a place where I can get through the day without feeling down about all the stupidity, but I'm trying to trust God and know that His plan is the right plan.


the right kind of hope

Hope can be so detrimental to your state of being. Ever since I watched the movie He's Just Not That Into You I've been much happier with boys. Honestly, the whole dating thing has become so much simpler. If I'm on a date or I like someone, I'll flirt and show him I'm interested, but if he's not down then I'm not down. Everyone knows that it's the guy who makes the first move. "Oh, but he might be shy..." Whatever. If he likes me enough he's going to text/call/facebook. Is this tried and true? Duh. There simply isn't any sense in hoping for something that won't ever happen. Cutting my losses is so easy sometimes, and I'm happy that it's like that.

The whole "He's Just Not That Into You" business doesn't seem to work quite as well during a post-break. He was into you once, so he might be into you again. If it's not a clean break then you can bet that the guessing games will keep on going. And they rarely end well.

Hope is usually thought of as a positive thing, but really it can be more damaging than anything else. Sure its easy for you to ditch the loser you had a crush on, but it's not so easy to forget about someone that actually meant something to you, and more importantly, someone who showed that you mattered to them. This state of hoping can just make the pain worse. I've discovered that if you keep hoping that something is still there, you don't completely move on.

Each time you make a bit of progress, hope knocks on your door and BAM! you get sucked back into waiting around. It's like trying to read a book, but you keep reading the same page over and over again, sure that you missed something, some little thing that will change the plot for the better.

The point of this pointless blog is to remind all the ladies and men [though i doubt men read this], that hope isn't always a good thing. Hope for a better tomorrow, hope for your prince charming, and stop hoping for the guy who so brutally used, bruised, and confused you in the past.

I'm telling myself this more so than you.

It's time to let go. He's caught up in the next best thing, so why should you hang around? Sure you know it's better when you're together but clearly he doesn't see that. Start hoping for something new and different. I know it's scary, because I'm scared that I won't find something better than what was.

But it's the HOPE of finding it, that will keep me timidly crawling on this path called Recovery.

Sure sometimes I backtrack, and tears make the ground muddy and hard to travel, but I hope that by the time I reach my destination, that I'll be so far forward I won't mind not looking back.

It's not that way right now.

But hopefully, it will be.


Saturday, August 22, 2009

so weird

I've moved into my dorm, met my roomie, and about a dozen other girls on my floor. It's been a pretty full two days and I hope that we keep going at this pace. It's not too fast but it's not too slow.

I just wish that I didn't have so much baggage from home with me :/ I wish that my heart was in its former state of being, as in, not cracked, confused, or wounded. I miss the days prior to this year, when it was a minimal "i text, you text, we hang out" context, none of this relationship business, or the aftermath that can last for months. It hurts, not going to lie. Sometimes I just want to be back home and live out this school year like I did last year, secure with everything in me and around me. I know how to deal with things at home.

I'm so thankful for the things that have been keeping me busy this weekend, that there are other things to occupy my thoughts than the hurt, but it's at the moments when I'm alone [like now], that I remember everything and I start to feel more abandoned than ever. I start being scared that I won't make a solid friend here, and that the friends I love so dearly back home will move on in their lives and we'll grow apart. And of course, I'm scared that you won't ever walk back into my life, that the last goodbye was truly the last. The fact that you're okay with that feels kind of like a punch in the face. Trust in God. One of the best things about my floor is that the hallways are littered with Bible verses and all of them seem to remind me that despite what happens with friends and lovers, God is always there to love, and He has a plan for me. I was reading one Bible verse, [totally forget which one] and it was all about how staying on God's path for you will lead you to where you need to be and it just hit me.

I haven't been following God's plan.

So far, all the heartache and all the messups of this past year have been due to the fact that I wasn't listening to God and following Him. It's so obvious now, that the reason I feel so broken and confused is because I've been marching to the beat of my own drum, and not letting him take the wheel. Even though my own beat was pretty fun and crazy, it wasn't His beat, so I got off sync with everything in life. Let me just be honest here and say straight up that I haven't been Jesus focused at all, especially since Spring semester started, and my actions spoke as loud as my words. I'm still that person.

But I realized that I need to start putting my life in His hands again. Will I actually do that? I hope so, but then again, I very well may not.

This is horribly written and that's because hope & hurt have been mixed together in me and it's causing me to go through mood swings like woahhhh. I can't concentrate on any one thing, especially one certain thing, because then I'll just roll into a ball and cry so I've been coping by just...being random. Like, posting this blog.

Please, someone please tell me that time heals wounds. Please tell me that things will be okay.

My heart isn't broken, just severely cracked.

I know that being at school will be good for me. I just hope that since I've moved out, I can start moving on too. It's not that I wanted to move on, but that was the only option given to me, so I'll take it.

I'll take it and run with it, and hope that life will be better now. I'm eager to move on and see if my life will change, but I'm so terrified of losing what I left behind. Guess only time will truly tell.


Tuesday, August 18, 2009

August Is Over

August Is Over
-We The Kings

Say a prayer
The summer nights are dead
The fall is coming
We were careless hearts
Who got caught up in this

You were shy
To the night you drove me wild
And you crashed into me
And I won't lie
I wish it lasted a lifetime

Please stay
Won't you stay

Breathe in deep
And say goodbye
The saddest song
I'll ever write
For anyone, anytime

Breathe in deep
Before I say
I can feel us slip away
You're almost gone
You're good as gone
August is over

My August is over. It was full of unexpected surprises, good times, a few tears, and everything in between. Even though this song isn't particularly deep or meaningful in anyway, it manages to express exactly how I feel about summer ending, and I can definitely relate.

photo credit

Thursday, August 13, 2009

two steps backward

Don't you just hate it when you're doing so well and then you just plummet down to square one?

I mean, come on, you're hurting like woah. You're already fragile. Your insides feel like a shell, empty, and your thoughts just run in circles. Hurt slams into your chest until tears leak out of your eyes, and god its just so hard to even breathe. But then you somehow eventually manage to look beyond your poor pitiful state of being and start living. You know, getting through the day, even managing a real laugh here and there. The biggest turning point is when you stop listening to the sad songs and change to the "i'm going to kick your ass i'm so strong" melodies. I know that when I can start listening to these songs and start to hold my head high, that I'm recovering.

But then something happens. Something unexpectedly knocks you down on your back.

And as you're falling to the floor, you realize that as strong as you pretend to be, you're just as weak and frail inside as ever, because suddenly the strength that you thought you had vanishes and your insides feel like they're caving in and whatever progress you had just...evaporates.

You fall...




into this well of hurt that soaks you in angry thoughts and confusion. It's a mess. I'm a mess.

It's as if you're swimming in the ocean during a storm, and you're treading water, hanging on and doing alright, but then a huge wave just slams into you and you're turning and writhing, gasping for air. When you finally resurface, you manage a breather and think "thank God that's over" until another huge wave overtakes you by surprise and you have to start the whole process over again.

I need an out. I need to find a way to destress myself and take a breather. Sometimes I feel strong, but at other times, like right now, I just feel weak. I feel down, empty, kicked to the floor. Listless. I haven't felt this since last February. I guess I'm so lucky that I haven't had to deal with something like this since then, but it doesn't make it any easier.

It's always one step forward, two steps backwards.

The silver lining of this cloud is that eventually, the one step forward will get me somewhere. I'll break through the rain and sure I might not see the rainbow, but who cares. At least the Sun will come out again, right?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


The song might not be even that great, but for one particular month, for some inexplicable reason, you just love it. Such are these songs.

1. 2am - Slightly Stoopid
2. The Little Things - Colbie Caillat
3. Safe and Sound - Rebelution
4. You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift
5. Time Is Running Out - Muse
6. Ashes - Pepper
7. Stars - Switchfoot
8. I'm In Miami Trick - LMFAO
9. My Girl - The Temptations
10. All Again For You - We The Kings
11. This Love - Maroon 5
12. Sunday Morning - Maroon 5
13. Supermassive Blackhole - Muse
14. Dreaming With A Broken Heart - John Mayer
15. After Hours - We Are Scientists <333
16. Everything I Ask For - The Maine
17. Enter Sandman - Metallica
18. My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson
19. Spaceman - The Killers
20. That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings
21. Dream - Priscilla Ahn
22. Who I Am Hates Who I've Been - Relient K

So there you go... Clearly not the best songs in the universe but for some weird reason, I just can't stop listening to them!


Saturday, August 1, 2009

new piercing!

Due to lack of money, motivation, and time I haven't had the chance to get all the piercings that I want done. I've been wanting a cartilege piercing since I was about 15 years old, so now, three years later, it's finally done! :D Thanks to the wonderful Lindsay [[read her blog!]] I was able to get it done for free tonight :]]

What a great way to end July :]

Monday, July 27, 2009

The Essence of Summer

The things that are just bathed in the season...

1. Long hair, it's fate left to the wind, chlorine, and the salty water of the ocean; washed at night, brushed never.
2. Feet callused by long walks on the beach.
3. An endless menagerie of music that will always remind you of some memory or other.
4. Hardly a day planned out, yet hardly a day spent unfulfilled.
5. The urge to travel, followed shortly thereafter by the reluctance to leave home. This changes after each vacation.
6. Camping.
7. Late nights--parties, parks, and people.
8. Concerts. Of all kinds.
9. Waking up to bright sunlight, a gently buzzing fan, and an empty house.
10. Long drives with the top down.
11. Secrets created and secrets divulged.
12. The Beach Boys [[duh]]
13. An extreme absence of musical theater.
14. Spending time with friends not seen for much of the school year. (Not sure why, but this always happens.)
15. No new boys, just new feelings.
16. Coconut sunscreen.
17. Hours upon hours of manga and television.
18. Buying new school clothes.
19. Reconnecting with old aquaintences.
20. BBQs
21. Family <3
22. Peace.
23. An abundance of short stories, all romantic, none exceptional.
24. Listlessness, daydreams, and a longing for romance.
25. Sitting in one's driveway from dusk until the stars are out.

To be continued...

Midnight Bottle

Midnight Bottle
-Colbie Caillat

Midnight bottle take me come with me my memories and everything come back to me
Midnight bottle make it real what feels like make believe so I can see a little more clearly
Like every single move you make kissing me so carefully on the corners of my dreaming eyes

I’ve got a midnight bottle gonna drink it down
A one way ticket takes me to the times we had before
When everything felt so right
If only for tonight I’ve got a midnight bottle gonna ease my pain
From all these feelings driving me insane
When I’m with you and everything’s all right if only for tonight
Got a midnight bottle drifting off into the candlelight where I can find you in your time
A midnight bottle I forgot how good it felt to be in a dream just like you had me
Cuz lately I’ve been stumbling feels like I’m recovering
But I think it’s only for tonight

I’ve got a midnight bottle gonna drink it down
A one way ticket takes me to the times we had before
When everything felt so right
If only for tonight I’ve got a midnight bottle gonna ease my pain
From all these feelings driving me insane
When I’m with you and everything’s all right if only for tonight
If only for tonight, if only for tonight, if only for tonight

I’ve got a midnight bottle gonna drink it down
A one way ticket takes me to the times we had before
When everything felt so right
If only for tonight I’ve got a midnight bottle gonna ease my pain
From all these feelings driving me insane
When I’m with you and everything’s all right if only for tonight
If only for tonight, if only for tonight, if only for tonight...

Seriously, Colbie Caillat...almost every song is eerily relateable. *sigh* It's going to be a long week.

Ciao loves! Hope your weekend was as crazy and memorable as mine was.


Friday, July 24, 2009

over it.

What do you do when you're tired and bored of your current situation?


Move out of your old life and into a new one.

New friends, new family, new life, new classes, new school, new everything.

August 21st.

It's coming.

Friday, July 10, 2009

An aversion to the gym...

I've never been a fan of the gym. It is safe to say that I have NEVER actually set foot in one. I've never been morbidly obese, but during this year I gained about 10lbs of unwanted baggage :p

I was thinking how desperately I needed to work out this summer and lose the pounds and tone up, but I don't have the confidence, money, or time to go to the gym, running is horrible, and I can't afford the dance classes/swimming workouts that I used to do. WHAT TO DO?!

The answer is both simple and free: an answer to prayer has helped me to lose 5 lbs in the past two weeks and results are definitely showing. It's great! I interchange work outs, doing cardio for 30 minutes, and then pilates, yoga, or some other strength workout after that. This past week I've added on a work-out from a magazine that focuses on the arms. It's basically going to the gym in the privacy of your own home. If other people inspire you as you do your thing, this isn't for you, but for someone who as an aversion to the gym and people in general, it's perfect :)

Check it out! It might be your solution too.


*I don't own the image in ANY WAY. All credit goes to photographer and any companies owning it.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

San Francisco: Alcatraz

"Break the rules, you go to prison. Break the prison rules, you go to Alcatraz."

I have never had any desire to go to prison, and historical site or not, at first I was not anticipating going to Alcatraz in the slightest. However, after taking a lovely boat ride to the island, and spending the entire afternoon at the place, I have to say it has been one of the more interesting and haunting journeys I have made.

To begin with, it is gorgeous. Bay Bridge, The Golden Gate, Angel Island and the San Fran skyline are all visible with only the gleaming blue waters to bar you from leaving. Seriously, if you want to get good shots of San Fran's greatest, I would recommend leaving the damn city for a few hours and making it out to one of the islands. The flowers, seagulls (and their chicks) create a welcoming atmosphere, and despite the looming dark prison that shadows everything, it is almost a peaceful place. Then you enter the actual prison, and begin an audio tour.

It was soooo cold out there! About 60 degrees I'd say. Extremely windy, and the nippy air makes it a harsh hike at times. But no matter. Once you're inside the prison it is actually warmer than outside. Unless of course, you count the chill you get when you look at the hundreds of prison cells, and you realize that, yes, men have indeed lived here. Why did they live here? Some murdered, some robbed, all had evil intentions. You didn't get to Alcatraz by acting out on petty crime.

It was absolutely haunting to listen to the stories of real convicts and guards on tape. To step into a cell one can almost smell the desolation and despair reeking from every cot. Block D--the isolation block--was where you went when you were super evil. And you didn't get any light there either. I ventured into one and I felt like I was in a psych ward 0___0


Then I heard the stories of convicts attempting to escape, of grenades being dropped into the prison to prevent said escape, the bloody deaths that commenced soon after, and saw where all events had taken place. Grenade markings, dark passages, and cracked floors were enough for me to see men with their insides pouring out *shiver* And then of course there were the men that did manage to strangle the guard, bust a window, and make it out onto the cliffside. Only 3 men were never found. Whether they lived, or drowned as many had before them, we'll never know. I don't suppose any of them, should they have actually survived, bothered to make an appearance from his hut in Brazil or Argentina, to let us know? Ah, the mystery of the unknown...

What was even more interesting, however, was that people actually lived on this island, and they weren't prisoners or guards. But it makes sense. After all, outside the prison, it was absolutely stunning.

The Golden Gate Bridge from Alcatraz:

San Fran skyline. Gorgeous!

Yeah, there were cannons:

One of the utility halls where escaping convicts were shot and viciously killed:

And the baby seagulls. More spotted and fuzzy than one might expect:

*sigh* so overall, it was definitely worth the $26 it took for me to get there. The boat ride was super fun, and hiking over this empty land was adventure enough for a day. Plus, I learned some stuff haha.

The trip itself was fun, and this definitely topped it :]

Going to try to post a couple more blogs tonight. we'll see...


Saturday, July 4, 2009

The Apple Pie Resistance

Hello nobody. It's time for a quick sober update. Yes that's right. I'm 100% sober on 4th of July! Unlike many of my peers... ;) 

Anyway, that's besides the point. 

The 4th has never been my favorite holiday. Partially because of the apple pie, but mostly because I have yet to experience a great 4th of July celebration. Mostly it consists of being extremely bored and somewhat depressed. So this year I was relieved to find out that I would be out of town for the holiday. The result? Visiting the quaint town of Clayton for a small parade and browsing through a small bookstore (one of my favorite past times haha). I considered buying The Kite Runner, and maybe something by James Patterson, but in the end I bought the final book to a children's series that I've been collecting since middle school. Ah me.

After that I pigged out on a hot dog and some fruit, took a nap, and spent a considerable amount of time chatting with my grandmother, something I haven't done for a long time <3>

After a quick bbq with relatives we proceeded on a peaceful hike up a hill to watch some fireworks. A bunch of people were already there lighting up various illegal fireworks, some fabulous and some just loud and smoky. Overall it was super fun :) That lasted all of 45 minutes, and then it was back to the relatives' home for apple pie. I have never, EVER understood exactly why people like apple pie... Call me unpatriotic, but I just cannot bring myself to enjoy soggy apples doused in artificial flavoring. However, there was Cookies n' Cream ice cream which I devoured with relish :D Seriously, ice cream can't get any better than that! 

Then it was just hanging around and spending time with family. Even though I make it a point to spend the 4th with family every year, this time around it was particularly enjoyable, probably because I am up north, with no obligations to attend anything, with relatives I barely get to see, and the people I am moving away from in less than two months haha. 

And now here I am, back at the hotel. I have to do some pilates before I go to bed (come now, I ate ice cream...) so I should do that asap because I'm close to exhaustion :p 

Tomorrow is a whole new adventure, complete with videos and pictures. Mehhh. 

Hope everyone had a lovely 4th of July!


(P.S. I do not own any of the pictures posted on this entry. Credit goes 100% entirely to the photographer!) 

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Attempt Number...?

Hello again. This is my umpteenth time attempting to keep up a somewhat interesting blog. Hopefully this time it'll stay.

It's 1:00am and I can't function, let alone write a decent first entry.

But here's a little spiel about me:


I live in Southern California and I had the fortune of being born to two parents who fell in love with this place. No need to expound details, it suffices to say that it's a safe, beautiful place and I couldn't imagine growing up anywhere else.

I'm extremely fond of comparing situations in real life to those of the fictional world, of books, movies and occasionally television. Perhaps it is because of this that my life often seems surreal. One thing that I've learned is that there is always something unexpected lurking around the corner, sometimes pleasant and at other times horrific. I live each day looking forward to what is coming up next, yet wanting to savor each moment since it won't last forever.

I've always been slightly overweight but I've been working on shedding the pounds this summer. So far I've lost a good 10lbs. I'm hoping to lose 20. Fingers crossed!

Biking on the Strand and going to Disneyland are my personal preferences for a weekend excursion.

Writing helps me relax, reading gives me escape, and my wonderfully crazy friends do a fantastic job of unraveling any and all therapy the first two activities produced.

I have a love/hate relationship with carbs.

I love being at home in the mornings, but I tend to be out and about the rest of the day. Sitting at home during the evening does not bode well for my adventurous soul. Given any day of the summer I can usually be found out and about in Los Angeles, and if I'm forced to the confines of my dwelling you can bet that I'm scheming and creating havoc in my imagination.

Recently I've begun writing for the e-zine Verge. Check it out here!

Job hunting has become my job, and it doesn't pay well :p

My dream occupation would be part-time dancer and part-time creator--photography, stories, art--but alas my lack of training in all four areas confine me to working from scratch now that I'm in college.

Speaking of college, I am a journalism/public relations major, meaning I learn to write well and handle people and the crisis tbey land themselves in!

I'm not going to share my super personal life with the world;; it's enough to say that Rachel Greene is my twin. Let's leave it at that.

I suppose this is entirely too long for an about me entry but I do tend to ramble late at night. I think best at these late hours but productiveness is probably best achieved during the

Now I really can't function. Must...sleep...