Thursday, August 27, 2009

what it is.

The wounds have closed up but there will always be those golden memories under that hidden scar.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Hungry


"Hungry I come to You
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry..."


Tonight the incoming class went to Corona Del Mar for some crazy intense fun, food, and beaching it up in general. After all the craziness though, as the Sun began to set, the SOS leaders lit up about 5 bonfire pits, and in the center, set up their worship stuff. So as we all snuggled into our hoodies and gathered in groups of newly formed friends [seriously, i hang with a new group every day, several times a day haha] they started strumming worship songs. It was really cool to see 1,000+ college kids just worshiping God right there on the beach.

They eventually played the song "Hungry" and singing that just helped me to heal so much quicker. I am empty, weak, tired, hurt, and knocked down, but God is all powerful and He's going to take care of me. I just have to surrender it all to Him. I feel more full now then I have in such a long, long time. It was like God came down onto the beach and told me, "Hey, I'm still here. Follow me when you can."

It'll take awhile for me to get to a place where I can get through the day without feeling down about all the stupidity, but I'm trying to trust God and know that His plan is the right plan.

<3

the right kind of hope


Hope can be so detrimental to your state of being. Ever since I watched the movie He's Just Not That Into You I've been much happier with boys. Honestly, the whole dating thing has become so much simpler. If I'm on a date or I like someone, I'll flirt and show him I'm interested, but if he's not down then I'm not down. Everyone knows that it's the guy who makes the first move. "Oh, but he might be shy..." Whatever. If he likes me enough he's going to text/call/facebook. Is this tried and true? Duh. There simply isn't any sense in hoping for something that won't ever happen. Cutting my losses is so easy sometimes, and I'm happy that it's like that.

The whole "He's Just Not That Into You" business doesn't seem to work quite as well during a post-break. He was into you once, so he might be into you again. If it's not a clean break then you can bet that the guessing games will keep on going. And they rarely end well.

Hope is usually thought of as a positive thing, but really it can be more damaging than anything else. Sure its easy for you to ditch the loser you had a crush on, but it's not so easy to forget about someone that actually meant something to you, and more importantly, someone who showed that you mattered to them. This state of hoping can just make the pain worse. I've discovered that if you keep hoping that something is still there, you don't completely move on.

Each time you make a bit of progress, hope knocks on your door and BAM! you get sucked back into waiting around. It's like trying to read a book, but you keep reading the same page over and over again, sure that you missed something, some little thing that will change the plot for the better.

The point of this pointless blog is to remind all the ladies and men [though i doubt men read this], that hope isn't always a good thing. Hope for a better tomorrow, hope for your prince charming, and stop hoping for the guy who so brutally used, bruised, and confused you in the past.

I'm telling myself this more so than you.

It's time to let go. He's caught up in the next best thing, so why should you hang around? Sure you know it's better when you're together but clearly he doesn't see that. Start hoping for something new and different. I know it's scary, because I'm scared that I won't find something better than what was.

But it's the HOPE of finding it, that will keep me timidly crawling on this path called Recovery.

Sure sometimes I backtrack, and tears make the ground muddy and hard to travel, but I hope that by the time I reach my destination, that I'll be so far forward I won't mind not looking back.

It's not that way right now.

But hopefully, it will be.

<3

Saturday, August 22, 2009

so weird

I've moved into my dorm, met my roomie, and about a dozen other girls on my floor. It's been a pretty full two days and I hope that we keep going at this pace. It's not too fast but it's not too slow.

I just wish that I didn't have so much baggage from home with me :/ I wish that my heart was in its former state of being, as in, not cracked, confused, or wounded. I miss the days prior to this year, when it was a minimal "i text, you text, we hang out" context, none of this relationship business, or the aftermath that can last for months. It hurts, not going to lie. Sometimes I just want to be back home and live out this school year like I did last year, secure with everything in me and around me. I know how to deal with things at home.

I'm so thankful for the things that have been keeping me busy this weekend, that there are other things to occupy my thoughts than the hurt, but it's at the moments when I'm alone [like now], that I remember everything and I start to feel more abandoned than ever. I start being scared that I won't make a solid friend here, and that the friends I love so dearly back home will move on in their lives and we'll grow apart. And of course, I'm scared that you won't ever walk back into my life, that the last goodbye was truly the last. The fact that you're okay with that feels kind of like a punch in the face. Trust in God. One of the best things about my floor is that the hallways are littered with Bible verses and all of them seem to remind me that despite what happens with friends and lovers, God is always there to love, and He has a plan for me. I was reading one Bible verse, [totally forget which one] and it was all about how staying on God's path for you will lead you to where you need to be and it just hit me.

I haven't been following God's plan.

So far, all the heartache and all the messups of this past year have been due to the fact that I wasn't listening to God and following Him. It's so obvious now, that the reason I feel so broken and confused is because I've been marching to the beat of my own drum, and not letting him take the wheel. Even though my own beat was pretty fun and crazy, it wasn't His beat, so I got off sync with everything in life. Let me just be honest here and say straight up that I haven't been Jesus focused at all, especially since Spring semester started, and my actions spoke as loud as my words. I'm still that person.

But I realized that I need to start putting my life in His hands again. Will I actually do that? I hope so, but then again, I very well may not.

This is horribly written and that's because hope & hurt have been mixed together in me and it's causing me to go through mood swings like woahhhh. I can't concentrate on any one thing, especially one certain thing, because then I'll just roll into a ball and cry so I've been coping by just...being random. Like, posting this blog.

Please, someone please tell me that time heals wounds. Please tell me that things will be okay.

My heart isn't broken, just severely cracked.

I know that being at school will be good for me. I just hope that since I've moved out, I can start moving on too. It's not that I wanted to move on, but that was the only option given to me, so I'll take it.

I'll take it and run with it, and hope that life will be better now. I'm eager to move on and see if my life will change, but I'm so terrified of losing what I left behind. Guess only time will truly tell.

<33

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

August Is Over

August Is Over
-We The Kings

Say a prayer
The summer nights are dead
The fall is coming
We were careless hearts
Who got caught up in this

You were shy
To the night you drove me wild
And you crashed into me
And I won't lie
I wish it lasted a lifetime

Please stay
Won't you stay
Tonight

Breathe in deep
And say goodbye
The saddest song
I'll ever write
For anyone, anytime

Breathe in deep
Before I say
I can feel us slip away
You're almost gone
You're good as gone
August is over


My August is over. It was full of unexpected surprises, good times, a few tears, and everything in between. Even though this song isn't particularly deep or meaningful in anyway, it manages to express exactly how I feel about summer ending, and I can definitely relate.



photo credit

Thursday, August 13, 2009

two steps backward

Don't you just hate it when you're doing so well and then you just plummet down to square one?

I mean, come on, you're hurting like woah. You're already fragile. Your insides feel like a shell, empty, and your thoughts just run in circles. Hurt slams into your chest until tears leak out of your eyes, and god its just so hard to even breathe. But then you somehow eventually manage to look beyond your poor pitiful state of being and start living. You know, getting through the day, even managing a real laugh here and there. The biggest turning point is when you stop listening to the sad songs and change to the "i'm going to kick your ass i'm so strong" melodies. I know that when I can start listening to these songs and start to hold my head high, that I'm recovering.

But then something happens. Something unexpectedly knocks you down on your back.

And as you're falling to the floor, you realize that as strong as you pretend to be, you're just as weak and frail inside as ever, because suddenly the strength that you thought you had vanishes and your insides feel like they're caving in and whatever progress you had just...evaporates.

You fall...

fall...

fall...

*splash*

into this well of hurt that soaks you in angry thoughts and confusion. It's a mess. I'm a mess.

It's as if you're swimming in the ocean during a storm, and you're treading water, hanging on and doing alright, but then a huge wave just slams into you and you're turning and writhing, gasping for air. When you finally resurface, you manage a breather and think "thank God that's over" until another huge wave overtakes you by surprise and you have to start the whole process over again.

I need an out. I need to find a way to destress myself and take a breather. Sometimes I feel strong, but at other times, like right now, I just feel weak. I feel down, empty, kicked to the floor. Listless. I haven't felt this since last February. I guess I'm so lucky that I haven't had to deal with something like this since then, but it doesn't make it any easier.

It's always one step forward, two steps backwards.

The silver lining of this cloud is that eventually, the one step forward will get me somewhere. I'll break through the rain and sure I might not see the rainbow, but who cares. At least the Sun will come out again, right?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Playlist.



The song might not be even that great, but for one particular month, for some inexplicable reason, you just love it. Such are these songs.

1. 2am - Slightly Stoopid
2. The Little Things - Colbie Caillat
3. Safe and Sound - Rebelution
4. You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift
5. Time Is Running Out - Muse
6. Ashes - Pepper
7. Stars - Switchfoot
8. I'm In Miami Trick - LMFAO
9. My Girl - The Temptations
10. All Again For You - We The Kings
11. This Love - Maroon 5
12. Sunday Morning - Maroon 5
13. Supermassive Blackhole - Muse
14. Dreaming With A Broken Heart - John Mayer
15. After Hours - We Are Scientists <333
16. Everything I Ask For - The Maine
17. Enter Sandman - Metallica
18. My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson
19. Spaceman - The Killers
20. That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings
21. Dream - Priscilla Ahn
22. Who I Am Hates Who I've Been - Relient K

So there you go... Clearly not the best songs in the universe but for some weird reason, I just can't stop listening to them!

<3

Saturday, August 1, 2009

new piercing!

Due to lack of money, motivation, and time I haven't had the chance to get all the piercings that I want done. I've been wanting a cartilege piercing since I was about 15 years old, so now, three years later, it's finally done! :D Thanks to the wonderful Lindsay [[read her blog!]] I was able to get it done for free tonight :]]



What a great way to end July :]