Monday, April 26, 2010

the five week countdown.

I know... I've written at least six entries about these wonderful three months of the year we call summer.
But the thing is, summer NEVER gets old. Not for anyone.
And so, I will post another entry, at risk of being repetitive.

I long for the summer.
My hair grows longer by the week in anticipation of being immersed in the salty sea waves, and dyed red by the Sun's rays.
My skin grows darker in preparation of long days spent outdoors, whether camping, swimming, lying on the grass, or biking on the beach.
Students grow restless as professors drone on.
We are confined to the air conditioned dullness of class while the blue skies and warm breezes call to us from without.
Motivation for papers and projects die a lingering death, as inspiration for the creativity of summer begins to emerge.
Visions of last summer's late night shenanigans, early morning conversations, and mid afternoon adventures break through my feigned studious mindset.
This season holds new adventures, new friends, and new experiences mixed in with the old.
It is a mere five weeks away.
Those five weeks seem to go so slowly, so slowly, so slowly...
I long for the summer.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

positivity from the negatives.

I won't lie.

Today could have sucked if I had let it. There were plenty of things to pull me down.
And while sometimes I let the stupid ish in life make me depressed, today I fought it and I won :)

Work was a little rough but I learned from past mistakes and honestly I am better off because of it. Now I know how to strengthen my work ethic and how to do better at my job. And I can and will improve with each shift. Plus I got my paycheck ;)

Then there's deciding whether moving to D.C. for four months is the best decision (school wise, work wise, cost wise) and I had a long talk with my parents. It was a bit stressful thinking about all of it. I feel pulled towards D.C. but a big part of me just wants to stay at Biola where I belong and where I know how to move forward and push myself.

I felt super frustrated with God today because He hasn't given me a clear direction yet. I know He will tell me when the time is right but I'm impatient and the IsoknowmorethanGod part of me was throwing a tantrum about how this last minute stuff just doesn't work. I told myself I needed to trust God more and if this isn't a perfect opportunity to do so then I don't know what is. So despite all the stress I finally realized like, hi, regardless of what I want to do I need to be listening to God and what He has to say about the matter and trusting His timing in it all.

Above all, I realized that I can't be making this decision out of fear. Fear of the unknown if I stay here, fear of the unknown if I go back east... so irrational. It's about God, it's not about me. If He wants to bless me with this opportunity I should be taking it, not whining about it!

Another dent in the day is how I'm annoyed with the way things have turned how in the past month with certain people and how things just always, ALWAYS seem to end this way. It doesn't matter who the people are or what we do, I always end up getting screwed over. It never works out for me. I'm always the victim. And then I just had to take a deep breath and say STOP RIGHT THERE.

It's pathetic to throw a pity party for myself. Dragging my feet on the ground is not the way to go about life, especially when the sun is shining in most areas of life. Instead, tomorrow I'm going to take a "me" afternoon. Pedicure, lay out by the pool, sleep in, clean my dorm room (that does make me happy) and just kind of relax without the obligation of jobs, meetings, or classes. It will be nice. So instead of worrying about what I can't change... I should be celebrating life the way it is. Yay for God blessing me with this great year at school. Yay for the time to relax. Just yay for all these wonderful blessings! God's timing is perfect. I have prayed to Him and now I leave it up to Him. I give it up to Him. And now that that's taken care of I have to try and relax. Sleep. Breathe.

It's great.

Oh, and tonight made things so much better :) Dancing in a crowded dorm room, amid glow sticks, strangers, speakers, and strobe lights, free Chick-Fil-A, standing in front of a green screen rocking out to Miley Cyrus and Ke$sha, late night girl talks with floormates, In N' Out... This was a night well spent.

And I can't wait for tomorrow.

The sun, the pool, and the promise of a new day call me to bed now.

yay positives.


Sunday, April 18, 2010

What I learned this weekend.

This was a fun weekend. Laughed, loved, lived... it was your typical when-life-is-decent weekend.

But I also learned some important life lessons! Which doesn't necessarily happen every weekend, and if it does, then it goes unacknowledged.

Anywho, I started reading Ocean Star by Christina DiMari, a memoir about her life thus far and how she had grown into the person she is today. Yes, your typical inspiring autobiography that makes you think deep and hard after you have finished the book but you know what, I learned things at just the right time and God's providence is never typical. SO onward with the life lessons...

1. Focusing on making others happy will make you stop feeling sorry for yourself.

2. Having a servants' heart requires patience and losing the false pride. And this is hard to do. It's something I definitely have to work on.

3. God is always there. He is SO good to all of us. He blesses us with wonderful relationships and gives us exactly what we need. He is the best teacher... He is patient, kind, loving, and He has the best sense of humor. (Our sense of humor is a gift from God, by the way. It is a part of Himself that He has given us.) Anyway, God loves us. And when He blesses us it's like the sun warming the inside of our hearts. And this weekend, I really FELT God's presence. A lot. I felt uncertain and lonely off and on all weekend but whenever that happened, He was there to fill me up again. He was there, smiling when I smiled, laughing with me, and holding me when the sun went away and the dark clouds emerged as they often seem to do lately. It was great. It was like He was saying, "Don't you know I'm here? Don't you know this is where you are supposed to be right now? Let me teach you what you need to learn. I'm here. It's okay. I have a plan for you. You will be blessed." It was a continual message all weekend. God is Good.

4. Life is a bitch. Yes. There will be sucky times, painful times, confusing times... God is perfect, life is not. We live in a fallen world. There are going to be those times when people just won't change. There will be those times when things really won't get better and it is what it is. But you know what, God is there. And through these trials HE IS STILL GOOD. He is still teaching us and loving us, and He is there to make sure we won't fall for an eternity. God won't tear something down if He's not going to build it back up. (think back to when Jesus said He was going to destroy the old temple and rebuild it in 3 days). When something is snatched out of our lives, or when something just blows up in our faces, we have to take a breath and let it go and remember that God is here and He is creating a new work. A NEW FREAKIN WORK that will BLESS us and BLESS others if we let it.

5. If we give up everything to God, He will give us the things He wants us to have. Things that are filled with His joy and blessing that far surpasses the things we have surrendered to Him. Simple as that. It's just a matter of actually letting go of the rest of the ish...

6. I have some pretty damn amazing friends.

7. GhostRider is officially my least favorite rollercoaster at Knott's. But that's another adventure.

Okay, well, this blog is sloppy, ugly, and totally unedited but I just wanted to get my thoughts out there and say I will edit it later.


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

what i like about life.

a long and rambling compilation, written as memories come to mind.

blasting music from the car with the windows rolled down, the joy of God filling you up, waking up to a bright blue sky, waking up to the rain, the first five seconds of a rollercoaster, body surfing, sitting with your best friends on the couch totally bored and talking about random crap, being in the middle of a crowd of people, with loud music blaring and something crazy going on next to you, the ecstasy you feel when you see a band play live and they FINALLY play your favorite song, DDR, frozen yogurt, biking on the beach with your two best friends, LA at night, checking out a book from the library, ice cream mochi, walking on the pier with your 7 favorite people, that feeling you get when you first enter The Happiest Place On Earth, headbands in my hair, skinny jeans, acrylics, laughing like an idiot, that little rush you get when he first leans in to kiss you, funfetti cupcakes, endorphins, stretching out to relaxing music, carnivals, waking up in the morning thinking "what happened last night?", hopping into a hot shower on a really cold night, waking up early and falling back asleep, downloading a bunch of songs onto itunes for free, sitting in the yard with your friends as the sun starts to set, bonfires, renting out a movie and watching it at home after a long day, making someone laugh, nostalgia, biting into a piece of gum, playing tag at night, TPing someone's house on a spur of the moment evening, crying because the movie is so touching, finding a cool video on YouTube, hopping fences trespassing being loud and other shenanigans, jamba juice on a warm day, dancing, the feeling you get on stage, Cars (the movie), singing the lyrics to your favorite musical while you're driving somewhere, anywhere, going to bed knowing the next day is going to kick ass, falling asleep smiling because of what he said to you, hiking, sitting around a campfire, caves, driving long distances with a great mix in the car, writing a perfect sentence, those moments where you know this is exactly where you're supposed to be, finding a really cute shirt for a cheap price, connecting with someone through hours of conversation, a new crush, finding yet another song you absolutely love, the love, peace, and joy of God.

These are things that make life grand :)


Monday, April 5, 2010

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time I knew exactly who I was.

I knew what I stood for, what I liked, where I wanted to go in life... I was comfortable with who I was, because I understood me.

But somewhere, between the summer and now, I completely and totally changed. The person I have become at school isn't who I am at all. I don't even recognize her and it's a bit scary.

Some things changed for the better. I've definitely learned to rely on God and I've grown spiritually.

But everything else? It's kinda been flipped upside down and I'm scrambling trying to retain it.

As stupid and cliche as this sounds, I'm just trying to remember who I am.

Think Simba from The Lion King, post father's traumatizing death.

Anyway... hopefully between now and the summer I'll be closer to figuring myself out. I hope Spring Break will be a break... a break from myself :p

Peace out home slices.


Sunday, April 4, 2010

Happy Easter!

Thank you Jesus for conquering death once and for all, for loving us enough to die on the cross, and most importantly, for allowing us to freely worship You and celebrate this holiday!

One of my favorite parts of Easter is decorating Easter eggs! Every year since we were kids, my siblings and I help dye eggs with Bachan (Grandma) before everyone comes over for dinner. Sure, we're all in college/high school now but that doesn't mean we're too old, right? ;)

My family and I watched The Blind Side for the first time too! Great movie, I have to say. So overall, a relaxing and enjoyable Easter holiday :)

I hope you enjoyed yours tooooo.