Monday, March 28, 2011

reminder to self:

God is great and He loves you.
He also loves the world. He wants you to spread His love.
He wants you to grow and push you to become a better, more godly woman.
He wants you to put HIM first, above the boy, above materialistic things, above your career.
He wants you to spend time with Him and for you to shut up so He can speak to you.
He wants you to love your friends, family and enemies.
He wants you to be humble.
And He will let you know what He wants you to learn.

So... breathe. Just be. Just live. Search for Him in the every day and you will find Him.
Don't stress.
In the end a lot of it won't matter anyway.

Love you.

Me

Saturday, March 26, 2011

At the beginning of 2010 I sat down and envisioned what I wanted my next year at Biola to be like:

I wanted a job where I had consistent hours so I could plan my life easier. I wanted to work at the front desk of some place and be a receptionist so I could just sit and help people without having to bruise my fingers or deal with money/small children all the time (unlike my old job).

I wanted to be an officer in PRSSA because it looks fabulous on my resume and be more involved with the journalism department. I also wanted an internship in the entertainment industry. I would have loved one with a well-known company but I would take whatever I could get.

I wanted to live in a room where it was sunny and I actually had phone service.

I wanted to be ten pounds lighter.

I wanted a big group of friends I could go out and do stuff with and just have a blast without partying or doing anything like that. Just be ourselves, hang out and be comfortable with each other. A family.

I wanted to know God better and understand what He wanted for me in life and how I should be serving Him best.

I wanted to not be hurting anymore and just finally moving on.

And through God's goodness and love I actually got all of those things. Somehow. I have my front desk job with a wonderful boss and it's not easy sometimes but I like it anyway. I am very involved in PRSSA and can't wait for next year with it. I am interning with Warner Bros. Records with a wonderful department who have shown me more grace and patience than I deserve. I love my room and my floor. I am ten pounds lighter. I have my family of friends who I love to death. And I'm learning more from and about God every day and it's awesome. And I've moved on to the point where I don't feel the need to talk about it. It's just part of the past.

But here's the funny thing... I have the life I wanted. But now that I've reached this point it's time to keep pushing for more. Keep listening to God and trying to obey Him. God is dynamic. He doesn't let us sit in our lives doing whatever. He tests us and grows us and it's awesome.

I feel I'm on the brink of that. I don't know whats going to happen and I'm pretty scared but I have a feeling something is going to change and it's going to test me and it's going to turn everything upside down again.

But while I'm sitting here on this plateau and enjoying life, I want to breathe and remember God is great in the good times and in the bad times. Breathe...

And then start running towards whatever opportunities come my way.

Friday, March 18, 2011

processing

Apparently tonight's session of Missions Conference was mind blowing. But I didn't go to that, though now I wish I had.

But something happened tonight, and I feel so light, free and yet so confused. It's kind of insane. And I need to just hash it all out, process it with words. This isn't meant to be a blog. It's simply a place for me to write. So here goes...

I feel confused and tangled in doubt. Ensnared in distractions. I keep reaching out, looking up, grabbing onto the light, crying out to God. PLEASE show me your will, SHOW ME YOU ARE HERE. HELP ME FATHER GOD AND PLEASE SPEAK TO ME.

And what happens, as I utter these words, is a chaos of things. My friends laughing in their carefree way in one direction, the cute boy I met yesterday in another. My money and work troubles are ever present, the homework due, the body I hate, the food I crave, the things I lack, fear of the future, darkness, strain, jealousy, false pride, anger, hurt, confusion wells up in me. I don't feel God's presence. I feel doubt in my relationship with Him and in my own life. I feel broken. Desperate. Needy. Frustrated. Lost. I need help.

These are my thoughts. Over and over. I sing the words to the songs and hope I mean them since I don't feel it within my soul. I hear the words of truth and pray I'll remember them the next time a trial surfaces.

But nothing changes. I feel dead inside. No, not dead. Smothered. Can't breathe. Can't think. Only dark. Only pressure. Only the crushing force of self. No God. No light. No truth. No air.

Help. Me. God.

I struggle with those feelings even now as I write this.

But truth was revealed to me tonight.

I dont have to do it alone.

I don't have to be in control.

"Put Me first. Then go forth into your day."
"Love those around you. Take the time to nourish those relationships."
"Fight. I will help. Destroy the doubt. Let me show you."

Those are the things I thought tonight. And I don't know if that was God's voice or my own. But those are the things I gathered.

I prayed tonight with two beautiful women, my sisters. The ones who live down the hall. The one I've been best friends with since last year. The other recently met, and soon to be roommate.

And we prayed. We prayed for a long time. We cried, too. Loneliness. We all struggle with it in various forms. We have darkness. And it just presses down and down and we are so frustrated and done with it.

But we have God. We cried out to Him and prayed for His strength, His direction, His glory be magnified through what we go through.

By the end we all felt a burden lifted. We're still going to struggle. But we needed that release. Literally crying out to God. He hears. He answers.

Our group as a whole has felt this need to change. To be more than we are. To uplift each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. We may fail but we're going to try. It's a call. We are called. We need to answer with our everything.

That's what it means to be in fellowship. It's more than the laughter, the fro yo runs, the gym sessions, the dancing, the movies etc. We need to go deeper in our lives, in our relationship with God, and encourage one another.

Again it's hard to process everything, it's hard to process it all.

I barely know where to start.

And yet I know it's the start of something new. A revival? Maybe.

Fresh start. New thoughts. New priorities. I should say, priority, and that is God. Listening to Him. Living life as He wants it lived out.

It is SO terrifying.

But it's the only way to live.

Still processing...

I have to be up in 4.5 hours. So sleep is a must. I just need to write this out and figure it all tomorrow.

But whatever happens.

Put God first. Then go forth into the day.

This wasn't meant to be a blog entry. It's not meant to be anything. Just my jumbled, tired thoughts clumsily thrown out there.
We'll hash it out tomorrow.

Good night.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

He Is Here

Today was kind of legit.

On the outside it was just a normal day: class, chapel, work, gym, homework.

On the spiritual side it was beyond awesome.

It started with morning devotions. I read John 15:1-5, the verses about being the branches and clinging to God like a vine. "Abide in Me" Scripture says. Now, the word ABIDE has been showing up everywhere lately--chapels, classes, Scripture--so I decided today would be the day I paid attention and looked up the word on dictionary.com

There are several definitions but the ones that were most applicable were to remain, to dwell in, to continue in a certain relationship/attitude, to endure.

God says to ABIDE IN HIM. To remain in, dwell in, continue serving, to endure... in Him. To abide in Him. And while I was meditating on that, I found it really hard to accept it. Yes, I want to abide in Him and listen to His words but sometimes I just don't want to listen to it all. I get tired of it. And it sucks. But I just need to keep pressing on and believing in God's love. We'll get there.

So that was the morning. Then I went to chapel. By the end there was no doubt the Holy Spirit was there. We are on the brink of Missions Conference, something that really impacted me last year. The theme this year is ABLAZE. The goal is to start a fire in our souls for what God is on fire for, and to find ways to move forth in His spirit. Yeah. Pretty awesome.

Two girls shared their stories of how they had to cast down idols [something God showed me I need to do last year], and then how listening to the Holy Spirit and His promptings from day to day can bless others and yourself. It hit home. It just did. I always get those promptings... to talk to this person, to pray for that person etc. But a lot of times I don't listen. I just tell myself to stop thinking about it, I have other things I really need to get done.

But I mean, if those promptings... if some of them are from the Holy Spirit, I really need to listen up. The Father is going to carry out His will without me or not. He doesn't need me. But if I can be a part of it, and let the Holy Spirit work through me, that's just an awesome experience. That's serving God. Glorifying Him through His own works. Wow.

And then there's the whole issue of idols. It's getting better but there are some things that get in the way of my relationship with God. But that's for another entry...

So we worshiped. And prayed. And felt the Holy Spirit saying, "These next three days will be phenomenal if you'll let me work in you."

Then I went to class. Where, wouldn't you know it, we are studying the doctrine of the Holy Spirit. Again, amazing stuff. Learning about the Spirit in relation to the Trinity. One of the final things we closed with was how the Holy Spirit provides us with specific gifts we use to do God's works. Again, the whole letting the Spirit move you and through you thing.

I still haven't really wrapped my mind around it yet, or my heart even. But I do know I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me today. God was saying it's time to break down the walls, break out of the comfort zone and let HIM take control. Let HIM do the planning, the working. I need to live and live ablaze for Him.

I need to listen to Him.

He. Is. Here.

He is everything, omnipresent, omniscient, eternal and everlasting. Glorified and holy. Invincible.

I humbly ask to partake in His will, and hopefully break down my pride, my fears, my doubts, my distractions, and simply abide in Him.

This week is going full speed ahead. Night!

<3

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

cool

So, a couple days ago I was praying and this really cool vision popped into my head and I thought I would write it out.

I have a lot of things, and I care about a lot of things. I like my clothes, I like my car, I take full advantage of the parks, restaurants, Disneyland, concerts etc. that entertain me.

As I was praying I saw myself surrounded by a huge crowd of people, we were all walking and going about our lives. There were bright colors, and materialism abounded, it was just a crowded place.

But all of a sudden, it grew dim. The people faded into thin outlines of themselves and the rest of the world became a dull gray-ish blue. But it wasn't ugly. The physical features of the people had faded into nothing, but each person had a bright, warm gold heart radiating from himself.

These hearts burned like fire and emanated different qualities and patterns of flames from each person.

It reminded me of how I think God sees the world. How we, as Christians, should see the world.

Everything fades away. Nature, iphones, worries and cares, and even people. What really makes the world a substantial place to live, are the souls. Every person we pass has a story to tell, a special gift to share. It doesn't matter what they have or don't have, how annoying they are etc. Each person has a brilliant heart, a light that would burst forth if we took the time to notice.

Some lights are darker than others, and grow dim, but the point is, each person has it.

In my vision, these golden hearts remained intact within each person, but occasionally the hearts would touch each other and then streams of light, liquid gold flames and patterns would ignite.

That's what happens when friendships and relationships are formed. When we take the time to acknowledge someone, or help someone, we interact and something happens.

God tells us to love as He loved us. I can't really wrap my brain or heart around that concept and I do a pretty fantastic job of doing just the opposite of love. But this vision helped me to see how the world we live in is really nothing in the long run. It will all fade. In fact, it should be faded now. We should see the people, their hearts and their lives, as the real thing. We should see what God sees.

I want to try and actively do this. It's always hard to love the way Jesus does. But this vision really helps me to try :)

<3

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Oh No - Andrew Bird

He is one of those artists I will never grow tired of :) First heard his music when I was a junior in high school and 4 years later I still dig it!

Friday, March 4, 2011

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

My theme song of March 2010:



My theme song of March 2011: