Friday, March 18, 2011

processing

Apparently tonight's session of Missions Conference was mind blowing. But I didn't go to that, though now I wish I had.

But something happened tonight, and I feel so light, free and yet so confused. It's kind of insane. And I need to just hash it all out, process it with words. This isn't meant to be a blog. It's simply a place for me to write. So here goes...

I feel confused and tangled in doubt. Ensnared in distractions. I keep reaching out, looking up, grabbing onto the light, crying out to God. PLEASE show me your will, SHOW ME YOU ARE HERE. HELP ME FATHER GOD AND PLEASE SPEAK TO ME.

And what happens, as I utter these words, is a chaos of things. My friends laughing in their carefree way in one direction, the cute boy I met yesterday in another. My money and work troubles are ever present, the homework due, the body I hate, the food I crave, the things I lack, fear of the future, darkness, strain, jealousy, false pride, anger, hurt, confusion wells up in me. I don't feel God's presence. I feel doubt in my relationship with Him and in my own life. I feel broken. Desperate. Needy. Frustrated. Lost. I need help.

These are my thoughts. Over and over. I sing the words to the songs and hope I mean them since I don't feel it within my soul. I hear the words of truth and pray I'll remember them the next time a trial surfaces.

But nothing changes. I feel dead inside. No, not dead. Smothered. Can't breathe. Can't think. Only dark. Only pressure. Only the crushing force of self. No God. No light. No truth. No air.

Help. Me. God.

I struggle with those feelings even now as I write this.

But truth was revealed to me tonight.

I dont have to do it alone.

I don't have to be in control.

"Put Me first. Then go forth into your day."
"Love those around you. Take the time to nourish those relationships."
"Fight. I will help. Destroy the doubt. Let me show you."

Those are the things I thought tonight. And I don't know if that was God's voice or my own. But those are the things I gathered.

I prayed tonight with two beautiful women, my sisters. The ones who live down the hall. The one I've been best friends with since last year. The other recently met, and soon to be roommate.

And we prayed. We prayed for a long time. We cried, too. Loneliness. We all struggle with it in various forms. We have darkness. And it just presses down and down and we are so frustrated and done with it.

But we have God. We cried out to Him and prayed for His strength, His direction, His glory be magnified through what we go through.

By the end we all felt a burden lifted. We're still going to struggle. But we needed that release. Literally crying out to God. He hears. He answers.

Our group as a whole has felt this need to change. To be more than we are. To uplift each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. We may fail but we're going to try. It's a call. We are called. We need to answer with our everything.

That's what it means to be in fellowship. It's more than the laughter, the fro yo runs, the gym sessions, the dancing, the movies etc. We need to go deeper in our lives, in our relationship with God, and encourage one another.

Again it's hard to process everything, it's hard to process it all.

I barely know where to start.

And yet I know it's the start of something new. A revival? Maybe.

Fresh start. New thoughts. New priorities. I should say, priority, and that is God. Listening to Him. Living life as He wants it lived out.

It is SO terrifying.

But it's the only way to live.

Still processing...

I have to be up in 4.5 hours. So sleep is a must. I just need to write this out and figure it all tomorrow.

But whatever happens.

Put God first. Then go forth into the day.

This wasn't meant to be a blog entry. It's not meant to be anything. Just my jumbled, tired thoughts clumsily thrown out there.
We'll hash it out tomorrow.

Good night.

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