Oddities of Self

Find Me!

2011-04-30T22:34:00.000-07:00

I will still write on this blog, I promise! But it probably won't have anything particularly fresh until summer.

Soo in the meantime, if you are bored or feeling like a lurk, check out my Tumblr. It's still kicking on a daily basis :)

heatherakemi.tumblr.com

Peace!

why today is awesome.

2011-04-08T08:23:00.000-07:00

because i was able to sleep in.
because it's sunny outside.
because for the first time, i have time to relax and actually get. things. done.

God is SO good

reminder to self:

2011-03-28T09:04:00.001-07:00

God is great and He loves you.
He also loves the world. He wants you to spread His love.
He wants you to grow and push you to become a better, more godly woman.
He wants you to put HIM first, above the boy, above materialistic things, above your career.
He wants you to spend time with Him and for you to shut up so He can speak to you.
He wants you to love your friends, family and enemies.
He wants you to be humble.
And He will let you know what He wants you to learn.

So... breathe. Just be. Just live. Search for Him in the every day and you will find Him.
Don't stress.
In the end a lot of it won't matter anyway.

Love you.

Me

2011-03-26T12:50:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of 2010 I sat down and envisioned what I wanted my next year at Biola to be like:

I wanted a job where I had consistent hours so I could plan my life easier. I wanted to work at the front desk of some place and be a receptionist so I could just sit and help people without having to bruise my fingers or deal with money/small children all the time (unlike my old job).

I wanted to be an officer in PRSSA because it looks fabulous on my resume and be more involved with the journalism department. I also wanted an internship in the entertainment industry. I would have loved one with a well-known company but I would take whatever I could get.

I wanted to live in a room where it was sunny and I actually had phone service.

I wanted to be ten pounds lighter.

I wanted a big group of friends I could go out and do stuff with and just have a blast without partying or doing anything like that. Just be ourselves, hang out and be comfortable with each other. A family.

I wanted to know God better and understand what He wanted for me in life and how I should be serving Him best.

I wanted to not be hurting anymore and just finally moving on.

And through God's goodness and love I actually got all of those things. Somehow. I have my front desk job with a wonderful boss and it's not easy sometimes but I like it anyway. I am very involved in PRSSA and can't wait for next year with it. I am interning with Warner Bros. Records with a wonderful department who have shown me more grace and patience than I deserve. I love my room and my floor. I am ten pounds lighter. I have my family of friends who I love to death. And I'm learning more from and about God every day and it's awesome. And I've moved on to the point where I don't feel the need to talk about it. It's just part of the past.

But here's the funny thing... I have the life I wanted. But now that I've reached this point it's time to keep pushing for more. Keep listening to God and trying to obey Him. God is dynamic. He doesn't let us sit in our lives doing whatever. He tests us and grows us and it's awesome.

I feel I'm on the brink of that. I don't know whats going to happen and I'm pretty scared but I have a feeling something is going to change and it's going to test me and it's going to turn everything upside down again.

But while I'm sitting here on this plateau and enjoying life, I want to breathe and remember God is great in the good times and in the bad times. Breathe...

And then start running towards whatever opportunities come my way.

processing

2011-03-18T00:17:00.000-07:00

Apparently tonight's session of Missions Conference was mind blowing. But I didn't go to that, though now I wish I had.

But something happened tonight, and I feel so light, free and yet so confused. It's kind of insane. And I need to just hash it all out, process it with words. This isn't meant to be a blog. It's simply a place for me to write. So here goes...

I feel confused and tangled in doubt. Ensnared in distractions. I keep reaching out, looking up, grabbing onto the light, crying out to God. PLEASE show me your will, SHOW ME YOU ARE HERE. HELP ME FATHER GOD AND PLEASE SPEAK TO ME.

And what happens, as I utter these words, is a chaos of things. My friends laughing in their carefree way in one direction, the cute boy I met yesterday in another. My money and work troubles are ever present, the homework due, the body I hate, the food I crave, the things I lack, fear of the future, darkness, strain, jealousy, false pride, anger, hurt, confusion wells up in me. I don't feel God's presence. I feel doubt in my relationship with Him and in my own life. I feel broken. Desperate. Needy. Frustrated. Lost. I need help.

These are my thoughts. Over and over. I sing the words to the songs and hope I mean them since I don't feel it within my soul. I hear the words of truth and pray I'll remember them the next time a trial surfaces.

But nothing changes. I feel dead inside. No, not dead. Smothered. Can't breathe. Can't think. Only dark. Only pressure. Only the crushing force of self. No God. No light. No truth. No air.

Help. Me. God.

I struggle with those feelings even now as I write this.

But truth was revealed to me tonight.

I dont have to do it alone.

I don't have to be in control.

"Put Me first. Then go forth into your day."
"Love those around you. Take the time to nourish those relationships."
"Fight. I will help. Destroy the doubt. Let me show you."

Those are the things I thought tonight. And I don't know if that was God's voice or my own. But those are the things I gathered.

I prayed tonight with two beautiful women, my sisters. The ones who live down the hall. The one I've been best friends with since last year. The other recently met, and soon to be roommate.

And we prayed. We prayed for a long time. We cried, too. Loneliness. We all struggle with it in various forms. We have darkness. And it just presses down and down and we are so frustrated and done with it.

But we have God. We cried out to Him and prayed for His strength, His direction, His glory be magnified through what we go through.

By the end we all felt a burden lifted. We're still going to struggle. But we needed that release. Literally crying out to God. He hears. He answers.

Our group as a whole has felt this need to change. To be more than we are. To uplift each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. We may fail but we're going to try. It's a call. We are called. We need to answer with our everything.

That's what it means to be in fellowship. It's more than the laughter, the fro yo runs, the gym sessions, the dancing, the movies etc. We need to go deeper in our lives, in our relationship with God, and encourage one another.

Again it's hard to process everything, it's hard to process it all.

I barely know where to start.

And yet I know it's the start of something new. A revival? Maybe.

Fresh start. New thoughts. New priorities. I should say, priority, and that is God. Listening to Him. Living life as He wants it lived out.

It is SO terrifying.

But it's the only way to live.

Still processing...

I have to be up in 4.5 hours. So sleep is a must. I just need to write this out and figure it all tomorrow.

But whatever happens.

Put God first. Then go forth into the day.

This wasn't meant to be a blog entry. It's not meant to be anything. Just my jumbled, tired thoughts clumsily thrown out there.
We'll hash it out tomorrow.

Good night.

He Is Here

2011-03-15T01:21:00.000-07:00

Today was kind of legit.

On the outside it was just a normal day: class, chapel, work, gym, homework.

On the spiritual side it was beyond awesome.

It started with morning devotions. I read John 15:1-5, the verses about being the branches and clinging to God like a vine. "Abide in Me" Scripture says. Now, the word ABIDE has been showing up everywhere lately--chapels, classes, Scripture--so I decided today would be the day I paid attention and looked up the word on dictionary.com

There are several definitions but the ones that were most applicable were to remain, to dwell in, to continue in a certain relationship/attitude, to endure.

God says to ABIDE IN HIM. To remain in, dwell in, continue serving, to endure... in Him. To abide in Him. And while I was meditating on that, I found it really hard to accept it. Yes, I want to abide in Him and listen to His words but sometimes I just don't want to listen to it all. I get tired of it. And it sucks. But I just need to keep pressing on and believing in God's love. We'll get there.

So that was the morning. Then I went to chapel. By the end there was no doubt the Holy Spirit was there. We are on the brink of Missions Conference, something that really impacted me last year. The theme this year is ABLAZE. The goal is to start a fire in our souls for what God is on fire for, and to find ways to move forth in His spirit. Yeah. Pretty awesome.

Two girls shared their stories of how they had to cast down idols [something God showed me I need to do last year], and then how listening to the Holy Spirit and His promptings from day to day can bless others and yourself. It hit home. It just did. I always get those promptings... to talk to this person, to pray for that person etc. But a lot of times I don't listen. I just tell myself to stop thinking about it, I have other things I really need to get done.

But I mean, if those promptings... if some of them are from the Holy Spirit, I really need to listen up. The Father is going to carry out His will without me or not. He doesn't need me. But if I can be a part of it, and let the Holy Spirit work through me, that's just an awesome experience. That's serving God. Glorifying Him through His own works. Wow.

And then there's the whole issue of idols. It's getting better but there are some things that get in the way of my relationship with God. But that's for another entry...

So we worshiped. And prayed. And felt the Holy Spirit saying, "These next three days will be phenomenal if you'll let me work in you."

Then I went to class. Where, wouldn't you know it, we are studying the doctrine of the Holy Spirit. Again, amazing stuff. Learning about the Spirit in relation to the Trinity. One of the final things we closed with was how the Holy Spirit provides us with specific gifts we use to do God's works. Again, the whole letting the Spirit move you and through you thing.

I still haven't really wrapped my mind around it yet, or my heart even. But I do know I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me today. God was saying it's time to break down the walls, break out of the comfort zone and let HIM take control. Let HIM do the planning, the working. I need to live and live ablaze for Him.

I need to listen to Him.

He. Is. Here.

He is everything, omnipresent, omniscient, eternal and everlasting. Glorified and holy. Invincible.

I humbly ask to partake in His will, and hopefully break down my pride, my fears, my doubts, my distractions, and simply abide in Him.

This week is going full speed ahead. Night!

<3

cool

2011-03-09T07:05:00.000-08:00

So, a couple days ago I was praying and this really cool vision popped into my head and I thought I would write it out.

I have a lot of things, and I care about a lot of things. I like my clothes, I like my car, I take full advantage of the parks, restaurants, Disneyland, concerts etc. that entertain me.

As I was praying I saw myself surrounded by a huge crowd of people, we were all walking and going about our lives. There were bright colors, and materialism abounded, it was just a crowded place.

But all of a sudden, it grew dim. The people faded into thin outlines of themselves and the rest of the world became a dull gray-ish blue. But it wasn't ugly. The physical features of the people had faded into nothing, but each person had a bright, warm gold heart radiating from himself.

These hearts burned like fire and emanated different qualities and patterns of flames from each person.

It reminded me of how I think God sees the world. How we, as Christians, should see the world.

Everything fades away. Nature, iphones, worries and cares, and even people. What really makes the world a substantial place to live, are the souls. Every person we pass has a story to tell, a special gift to share. It doesn't matter what they have or don't have, how annoying they are etc. Each person has a brilliant heart, a light that would burst forth if we took the time to notice.

Some lights are darker than others, and grow dim, but the point is, each person has it.

In my vision, these golden hearts remained intact within each person, but occasionally the hearts would touch each other and then streams of light, liquid gold flames and patterns would ignite.

That's what happens when friendships and relationships are formed. When we take the time to acknowledge someone, or help someone, we interact and something happens.

God tells us to love as He loved us. I can't really wrap my brain or heart around that concept and I do a pretty fantastic job of doing just the opposite of love. But this vision helped me to see how the world we live in is really nothing in the long run. It will all fade. In fact, it should be faded now. We should see the people, their hearts and their lives, as the real thing. We should see what God sees.

I want to try and actively do this. It's always hard to love the way Jesus does. But this vision really helps me to try :)

<3

Oh No - Andrew Bird

2011-03-06T02:17:00.001-08:00

He is one of those artists I will never grow tired of :) First heard his music when I was a junior in high school and 4 years later I still dig it!

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

2011-03-04T06:41:00.000-08:00

My theme song of March 2010:

My theme song of March 2011:

2011-02-24T20:21:00.001-08:00

Sitting alone in my dorm room after some serious noshing at Coldstone's with fellow PR peeps. Hearing sounds of The Eddy drifting through my windows. Attempting to do some homework before embarking on a Family Guy/Modern Family marathon. Feeling blessed by God.

This is Thursday night.

Love.

2011-02-18T00:09:00.000-08:00

Electric - Tristan Prettyman

I love going through old playlists and finding awesome songs. This is one of them.

It's a cover because I couldn't find a good video on YouTube... but this girl is pretty talented too :)

"And if our God is for us..."

2011-02-10T06:18:00.000-08:00

School is in full swing. Working 20+ hours a week and having only 14 units is definitely a change of pace. More work, less school? woah! Sometimes it's discouraging but I know it's a great opportunity, even if it does leave me broke. There are times when I feel down; last week I just had this apathy and lethargy to life, didn't really care about anything which was scary. And this week I was kind of in a haze, working like a machine and still not caring. But God is good and He still speaks to me and helps me.

Today in my devotional I was reading Acts 8:25-32 which is weird because I had to read the same passage yesterday. Basically what the Scripture said was "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us..." "But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience..." "For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us..." I was so encouraged, knowing that this present 'trial' is just for now, not even a long-standing one, and I should receive it in patience and with thanksgiving. Though I don't know what to pray for exactly [except tons of patience and perseverance], the Spirit knows.

When I pray, I often find myself either quoting Scripture or grabbing relevant lyrics from worship songs. I don't think of specific ones, they just come to me as I have a need. This past week, I've been singing/praying: "You make all things, work together for my good..." and "if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us, who can stand against us?" Just reminding myself of His promise to His children I guess. Anyway, I was reading Acts, and sure enough, these verses came up: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good" and "If God is for us, who can be against us?" I was seeking encouragement and strength from God and He sent it to me in the form of my devotion! I LOVE that. I feel so alone out at work, both in faith and just in self. I feel tired. Wah wah wah. And even though I have NO RIGHT to be complaining about... anything, really, God has reached out to me and loved me and patiently reminded me of His promises and has shown me direction as to how I should be handling the situation.

God is so good. I just love how He takes the time, as the creator of the universe and everything that's in it, to reach out and actually spend time teaching us about life and helping us personally get through it all.

Happy Thursday! We're almost to the weekend.

<3

Spring 2011 Schedule

2011-02-01T22:21:00.000-08:00

Monday:

9:30-10:30 - Chapel
10:30-11:45 - Theo II
12:00-3:00 - Work
3:00-4:15 - Media, Culture & Religion
4:30-5:30 - PR Practicum
6:00-8:00 - Campaigns & Cases In PR

Tuesday:

9:00-3:00 - Internship

Wednesday:

8:30-9:20 - Media Career Readiness (still don't know what that means, exactly)
9:30-10:30 - Chapel
10:30-11:45 - Theo II
1:00-3:00 - Work
3:00-4:15 - Media, Culture & Religion
7:00-10:00 - Advanced PR

Thursday:

9:00-3:00 - Internship
7:00-8:00 - PRSSA

Friday:

9:00-3:00 - Internship

AND SATURDAYS AND SUNDAYS ARE FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

It's going to be a good semester. I am stoked for all of my major classes and ready to learn, grow in Christ and just live it all out. Let's just see what happens.

Here we go...

2011-01-31T01:31:00.001-08:00

Spent a fantastic weekend moving back to school and spending time with family and friends alike! Topped off the last day of freedom with dinner at The Cheesecake Factory and a girls night in -- manicures, movie, the whole shebang :) Monday is my one day to sleep in and then it's time for classes, work, internships and whatever else. I'm kind of scared for this semester. Apprehension, fear of the unknown and all that. But God is good, I am strong in Him and that's all I need to survive.

"Sea sick,

I'm scared of the ocean

Stay close, we've come this far..."

2011-01-26T22:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's slow, sometimes it's fast. Sometimes its fun and simple, other times you don't know what the f*ck is going on. There will be times it will scare you, times you will laugh, times you are bored, but it's always more fun when someone is there beside you :)

Discovery of the Day

2011-01-26T18:42:00.000-08:00

I love finding new artists/bands, listening to a single and promptly falling in love with them. Since I'm more of an indie rock/alternative kind of girl, a lot of the bands I like aren't too well known, especially by my hip-hop/pop influenced friends ;)

Anyway, while watching a Burberry ad campaign I heard a song on it and I looked it up. Enter The Feeling. They aren't new, they've been around for quite a few years but I just thought I'd share their sound :)

2011-01-24T22:13:00.000-08:00

This entry doesn't really have a direction. There was no point, no inspiration, no thought. I just felt the need to write, so we will see where this path goes.

Words. Ideals. In the end they are just objects, things that are useless unless human actions bring them to life. You can have the highest ideals in the world, and write them in the most eloquent manner onto a piece of paper, but they aren't worth much unless we actually decide to go forth and make them come to life. If Walt Disney only sketched an amusement park, wrote a beautiful description of it and dreamed the masterpiece every day, it would have amounted to nothing but fluff had he not had the courage, ambition and luck to make Disneyland come to life. If Paul had only idealized being a bold Christian and wrote his letters to the church but never delivered them, never lived his own teachings, well we probably wouldn't be reading his works. All this to say, ideals are an excellent starting place, but they are only that. It is the foundation which we build upon. Ideals lead to reality [ideally... ha.] Words helps us to form our desires and dreams and our bodies take it from there.

While browsing through my Tumblr [aka the self-centered, completely unrealistic, teenage angst/naivete/foolish-ridden blogosphere that will ruin us all], I came across a question, one that sent me into quite a bit of thought:

"Would your 8-year-old self be proud of you now?"

It is not a new question, but when I sat back to think about it, I had to wonder.

The sad truth of the matter is I'm not sure, because I can barely remember myself at that age. So I guess the answer would be, no my 8-year-old self wouldn't be proud. No one is proud of being forgotten.

But in all seriousness, think of yourself as an 8-year-old kid... For me, I distinctly remember wanting to be an artist. And a singer. I wanted to sing on stage with my electric guitar and on the side I just wanted to paint, create and make things beautiful. I wanted to go to college and drive a pretty red convertible and still have my same best friend. I REALLY wanted a pass to Disneyland and to have cool clothes and long hair. I didn't really think about my faith; I just assumed I would still be going to church and probably helping with the kids. I wanted lots of people to like me and we could be friends. I wanted to meet my prince charming-type person maybe. I wanted to be confident and fun and not be afraid of rollercoasters. I wanted to be socially unawkward and have my OWN ROOM.

So this is me now. Age 20. I still want to be a singer though I gave up on that dream before I hit high school. I still love the arts--theater, dance, music, paintings. Inspiration and the beauty others create are what moves me. Though I have not cultivated my own drawings and the like, I am content to work towards supporting those things.

I'm in college and when I was 17 I got my shiny red convertible, got tired of it by the end of a year and now have my nice but non-flashy car :) I still have my same best friend and gained a few more. I have a pass to Disneyland and have had one for the last 6 years. I don't know about having cool clothes but I like them and I do have long hair.

My faith has now become a big part of my life, I've started going to church again and I don't like kids.

I don't have lots of friends but the ones I do have are true and dear. I still have that people-complex where I need for people to like me or it stresses me out. Working on it. I still haven't met Prince Charming and when I do meet him I don't expect for him to be perfectly charming. I feel I am confident and I find life to be pretty fun. Rollercoasters are the best. I'm still socially awkward and I don't even have a room anymore, but whatever!

So I would have to say, that my 8-year-old self would look at me and say, "You made some stupid mistakes. And I don't get why you let yourself gain so much weight or why you didn't go to church for awhile. I also don't get why you did some of the things you've done or why you didn't get straight A's when you SO COULD HAVE. But you're getting there. You're trying again and that's what counts in the end. And you kept my best friend around and you also gave me a pass to Disneyland all these years. So thank you."

Although I am not the stellar, super woman I hoped I would be, I am somewhat living up to my ideals. I'm not perfect and life is not set to perfection and that is because it's impossible. But it is with relief that, after hearing that question, my childhood opinion of me as an adult is in good standing.

If ideals are worth anything they must then turn into actions.

I'm glad I was able to learn that.

fact about life:

2011-01-18T07:32:00.000-08:00

If you want to achieve greatness, to see the best results possible, you need to be PATIENT. DILIGENT. STEADFAST.

You want to lose weight? Be prepared to spend at least six months in the gym, cutting down foods (gradually) and not noticing the change until a few weeks down the road. You want good grades? You work your butt off from start to finish. You want to play the piano? Dance well? Write well? Dress well? It takes practice, hard work, saving more than spending, not just for a couple weeks, but for a couple months, years, maybe even decades.

There is no quick and easy route. Life was made to be beautiful, but it was also made to be hard. It's challenges can be overcome, but only with patience and perseverance. It takes time because, as Calvin's dad would say, "it builds character." It also helps us to rely on God more than ourselves, and to see a bit of how He works.

I want to be become a better person. I want to be less selfish and focus on loving others as Christ did. I want to lose the weight and I want to get good grades. I want to deepen my relationship with God and others. But all of these things take TIME. I can start now, sure, but unless I keep going and fight hard, three months down the road, there won't be any good results. I have to keep pushing on, even when it seems like things aren't going so good.

So that's my prayer; to keep persevering, trusting in God, and not giving up, even when it gets hard. I hope I can make it to the end.

:)

2011-01-17T21:45:00.000-08:00

January has been a whirlwind of work, old friends, the ocean, hollywood/burbank and family. Not a bad first three weeks of the year.

I've discovered quite a few new artists over the past few weeks (given my internship is all about music) but one I discovered on my own (well, via a good friend haha) is Bonnie Dune. No one knows who they are, they've only had one show, but they've got potential! Their sound isn't particularly new, but it's soothing. I've listened to this song at least twice every day:

Lately I've felt God pushing me forth into life and it's such an adrenaline rush. "Give everything you've got." Well I will try. I feel like a dam, with turbulent water and heavy rocks rolling and swelling behind me, and once I break, once I try my best, all of those things are going to come rushing out, towards a river of adventure. The swell will push me in a different direction, one I can't see. As soon as I feel settled in my life, something happens and BOOM here we go again! Well, so be it. I had this year planned out to a tee but now it's taking a different turn. I was content and happy with life and now we're going to ruffle my feathers.

But hey, God's in control of the current, I'm just along for the ride.

P.S. MLK Day was a wonderful day off of work, spent (like a true California girl would) down at the beach. As much as I want to leave the South Bay/Los Angeles area entirely, I LOVE living 15 minutes away from the beach. Living in La Mirada feels so... dry sometimes.

just need to let this out...

2011-01-12T00:33:00.001-08:00

God is amazing.

Seriously.

He created this whole freaking universe, He knows EVERYTHING (quite literally), and He is not confined by space or time. He is. That's all that can really describe Him. Magnificent, glorious, omnipotent, and yes that's really scary.

And yet... He made us. He made this planet JUST for us. Out of all the billion stars, galaxies and planets out there, He took the time to create a place that is just suited to our needs. Venus is too gaseous, Mercury too close to the sun, Mars is too damn cold.
But Earth... is JUST close enough to the Sun to keep our blood from freezing up in our veins. Earth is JUST far enough away so that our blood won't boil.

And that's just where we live in the grand scheme of things. That's putting aside our very beings. Anyone who has studied even a smidgen of the human body can see that we are complicated (and I'm not talking about the emotional wrecks we make of ourselves here). Our cells, our millions of cells... our brains... the way we just learn things. Our innate sense of language. How every person, no matter the culture or background yearns for love. How God gave us the Earth, and then gave us the abilities to create things: homes, clothing, cars, the freaking iPhone. He let us discover the wonders of this world with the things we made.

It's kind of funny how man has made millions of things and how many of these things reflect God in His infinite glory. We created the microscope--we see how intricately God made us. Man created airplanes--we use them to fly around the world spreading the Gospel. Man created the printing press, ink, words, sentences... we communicate, encourage, and praise God with those things!

But seriously. God is this great huge really the only thing that matters kind of guy, and yet He made us, and then (despite our screwups), invites us to come into His home. He offers His love, protection, guidance and spiritual fulfillment. He took the TIME to do that for us. The whole reason we were made is to glorify Him, because He loves that.

Sometimes I get a little rebellious and think, "Yeah, God gets all the glory but I want to live my life for me too!" But then I realize, God kind of made the world. He's kind of the reason I exist, the reason I'm able to have these free thoughts, the reason I'm alive... Of COURSE my whole life should revolve around Him. He's my creator. My existence. God built in us (every single human being) a desire to worship. Something. Anything. But really, we are meant--destined--to worship HIM and show HIM Glory. And He, in turn, not because He has to but because He wanted to, gave us love, joy, peace, community with each other and with Himself.

That is what it means to be human, an image of God. To reflect His glory, to glorify God and to live lives completely devoted to Him. Wow. God's awesome. It's not like He just made us and then disposed of us into the world to live blindly. He created us, then provided us with GUIDANCE and an AWARENESS of His presence right away. He didn't just forget about us. That's crazy! This God who made this universe and exists above everything else STILL knows each and every person by NAME. He's everything. He knows me personally, and yet still makes the world go 'round.

That humbles me and blows me away.

I'm not perfect. I sin all. the. time. I'm selfish, I haven't had my devotions in ages, I didn't pay attention in church, I cussed out a guy who cut me off on the freeway, I'm still a little wild... it goes on and on and on.
My life does not always revolve around God. In fact, it rarely does. My life doesn't glorify God a LOT.

But He still loves me. I am still a part of His kingdom.

And I feel His love deep in my soul. I feel His calling for me. And that always brings me back to His ways.

I'm going to mess up, but man, I'm so glad that I have Jesus Christ as my center in this world, so that no matter how badly I screw it up, I can start over with Him.

/End long tangent of ramblings.

(500) Days of Summer

2011-01-11T00:16:00.000-08:00

Can I just say how much I adore this movie?
I first saw it on Valentine's Day 2010 and promptly grew infatuated.
I can't put a finger on WHY I like it so much. I can only say that the mix of fashion, dialogue, Joseph Gordon-Levitt/Zooey D and the soundtrack easily put me into a blissful state of entertainment.
Gotta love it.

All this to say, I've been listening to the soundtrack for the past week. Again.
Enjoy :)

100 Truths

2010-12-30T20:46:00.000-08:00

100 truths WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage: Water
2. Last phone call: Bachan
3. Last text message: Cyd
4. Last song you listened to: Sparks Fly - Taylor Swift
5. Last time you cried: I don't remember.

HAVE YOU EVER:

7. Been cheated on: No
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: Yes
9. Lost someone special: Yes
10. Been depressed: Yes
11. Been drunk and threw up: Almost, but no haha

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. Purple
13. Pink
14. Green

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made a new friend: Many :)
16. Fallen out of love: Thankfully
17. Laughed until you cried: Yes
18. Met someone who changed you: Yes
19. Found out who your true friends were: Absolutely. It was more like realizing who really matters
20. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes
21. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list: Yes (Friends list being Facebook, I'm assuming)

QUESTIONS:

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: All
23. How many kids do you want to have: 2
24. Do you have any pets: Black lab :)
25. Do you want to change your name: Sure.
26. What did you do for your last birthday: Went to Disneyland with the fam. Saw Usher/Trey Songz with Cyd and Arleny
27. What time did you wake up today: 10ish
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: watching Criminal Minds
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: Losing all the extra weight :D
30. Last time you saw your Mother: right now
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Making better choices last year. Yup.
32. What are you listening to right now: Dad's watching Without A Trace
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: My Jichan and my cousin
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now: My weight. as;dfjkl;jsd
35. Most visited webpage: Facebook probably
36. What’s your real name: I don't post that ish on here lol
37. Nicknames: So many; Tanjerine, Panda, Heath Bar, Pixie Dust, Capt James Tangy etc.
38. Relationship Status: Single and happy
39. Zodiac sign: Scorpio
40. Male or Female: Female
41. Elementary?: Lincoln/Coastal Academy
42. Middle School?: Coastal
43. High school/college?: SBFA/El Co/Biola
44. Hair color: Brown
46. Weight: About 15 pounds too many
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: No
48: What do you like about yourself?: My determination
49. Piercings: 2 lobes
50. Tattoos: None yet
51. Righty or left: Lefty

FIRSTS :

52. First surgery: Senior year of high school
53. First piercing: Ears
54. First best friend: Kristina O
55. First sport you joined: T-Ball hahaha!
56. First vacation: Don't remember. I think a road trip up to Washington

RIGHT NOW:

59. Eating: Nothing
60. Drinking: Nothing
61. I’m about to: Sleep. I'm wiped out.
62. Listening to: you asked me this already
63. Waiting for: life.

YOUR FUTURE :

64. Want kids?: Yes
65. Get Married?: hope so...
66. Career?: Public relations practitioner -- entertainment, small businesses and travel

WHICH IS BETTER?

67. Lips or eyes: Eyes.
68. Hugs or kisses: Hugs mean more, usually.
69. Shorter or taller: Taller
70. Older or Younger: Older
71. Romantic or spontaneous: Both
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Stomach
73. Sensitive or loud: The life of the party but the keeper of my heart
74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship. Hook-ups are only fun in the moment
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: Not afraid to make risks but not an idiot

HAVE YOU EVER :

76. Kissed a stranger: Define stranger.
77. Drank hard liquor: Yes
78. Lost glasses/contacts: Both!
79. Sex on first date: Never
80. Broken someone’s heart: Did he even have a heart to begin with? Hahaha
82. Been arrested: No
83. Turned someone down: Yes
84. Cried when someone died: Yes
85. Fallen for a friend?: Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself: I believe in the power of God working through me
87. Miracles: Yes
88. Love at first sight: No
89. Heaven: Yes
90. Santa Claus: No
91. Kiss on the first date: If it feels right
92. Angels: Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: No
95. Did you sing today?: Yes
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: No
97. If you could go back in time: I would rewind in a heartbeat
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it: That one lovely summer evening would be nice...
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: I want to, without a doubt. But every time, I always get so terrified. But I've grown up now. I'm ready to conquer that fear.
100. Where you perfectly honest in this survey: Yes

PUMPED

2010-12-28T15:39:00.000-08:00

Random list of things I'm looking forward to:

+Celebrating the New Year with two of my best friends!
+Shogatsu :D (Google it)
+The return of: Greek, The Bachelor, Jersey Shore, Glee, and Gossip Girl
+Internship starts!
+More hours at job = $$
+Shopping spree
+Moving back to school
+Starting classes

2011 is definitely starting with a bang xD

Photo Splat

2010-12-21T01:23:00.000-08:00

Credit goes to Katie J for this idea :)

1. picture of you in your room

2. your besties:

Taylor;
the one who helps me sort life out:

Bethany;
friends since the first grade <3:

Mikay;
all the growing up we've done...

Cydney;
laughter, tears, advice, love.

3. a good feeling
Last day of school 2009. Good times haha

4. the youngest picture you can find

5. one of your favorite outfits
seriously, if I could stay in a swim suit all day I would.

6. A goofy face

7. An edited picture

8. a picture of a night you regret
this was a fun night but if I could take back certain things about it I probably would.

9. A most recent picture of you
halloween 10'!

10. A picture of you being yourself

11. A picture of you being absolutely ridiculous
HAHAHA.

12. a picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't.
Summer 2008. I miss my Don Juan (the car), + i had it all figured out then :)

13. A picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldn't be more thankful that it is
i love these girls. and this was a fun night. but emotionally, that week was hell.
never again (i hope)

14. A picture of you when you were anything but happy...even if you were smiling and did your best to hide it

15. A picture of you that you had no idea was being taken

16. a picture of you when you were a different person than you are now.
august 18, 2009.
funny how just a little more than a year can change you

17. A picture of you with someone you love

18. A picture of how you'd like the world to see you

19. A picture that describes how you'd like to spend every day
river raftinggg.
it's not so much i'd like to spend every day river rafting, but trying new things, exploring, living.

20. A picture of a time when everything was changing
and oh how it changed.

21. A picture of an ex

As if I'd waste any space...

22. A picture that makes your heart smile
:)

23. A picture of one of the best nights (or days) of your life
such a good day/night!!!

24. a picture with your family
oh yes, we are so dang classy.

2011 Resolutions

2010-12-20T00:45:00.000-08:00

That saying sums up everything I hope for 2011 to be. I can't change a lot of things... but I can choose to my perspective on life and what my thoughts are :)

However, being the idealist that I am, I have thought about the past year and what I liked, what I didn't like and finally, what direction I want to go in as 2011 begins. To figure this out, I thought about where I want to be at the end of the year and worked my way backwards. SO...

The New Years Resolution List:

1. Take the 365 Challenge.
Basically, you take a photo of something every day and write about what it was you did. Kind of excited for this one!

2. Lose the last 10 pounds.
I've done a good job of NOT gaining weight at school, and I've started to lose weight again. So hopefully the momentum will keep on going. I have a plan, I have resources. I just need to make myself stick to it :D

3. Stay motivated in school--keep GPA above a 3.5
So confession time: I didn't do as good a job in school as I should have. I spread myself too thin in all aspects of life and didn't give my best like I did in the Spring. So, for 2011, (at least for Spring semester) I really want to focus on giving my 100% best to my studies. Hopefully the effort will show in my grades.

4. Manage money wisely!!!
Tithe regularly, save more than I spend, and stop BUYING food! :x

5. Have found and committed to a good church.
I've found one around school that I really enjoy but on Sunday morning I'm either sleeping in, coming home from a vacation/road trip or heading out on an all-day adventure. Still, that's no excuse and I really should start going to church on a regular basis...

6. Moved into an apartment.
Because living in the dorms simply isn't an option when you're 21. I have the roommates picked out, and a place. Now it's just a matter of actually accomplishing the move. Deadline for this one: August.

7. Keep friendships strong & try to be a good daughter.
I have been blessed with some amazing girls and guys in my life. These relationships have really made 2010 great and I want to make sure to keep in touch with them. Plus I have an even deeper appreciation and love for the fam bam and I want to serve them for once :)

8. Have PRSSA running bright and strong.
There are three officers right now and we're just getting our bearings. I want to make sure the Biola PRSSA chapter is in good hands when we leave!

9. Completed two internships.
Hopefully I can really do well at the Warner Bros. internship and that will lead to another one :)

10. Focus on 2 hobbies and grow in those skills.
I haven't decided what those two hobbies are yet but I really want to spend time doing things I enjoy and getting better at them. I still love to play piano and I also enjoy photography. So maybe it will be those. But who knows!

11. Expand musical tastes and library (find a new artist/read a new book each month).

12. Go to Las Vegas for the big 21.
Enough said.

13. Don't settle for anyone.
I'm tired of settling for nothing. I'm done with it all. I'm tired of keeping up appearances, knowing it means nothing, feeling nothing emotionally... what's the point? Sure a girl wants attention and a hand to hold, but those needs can wait until I find a guy I genuinely like, and who is willing to commit, someone who I am genuinely attracted to. I'm confident enough in myself to not need a one-night stand. I'm okay with being alone if it means waiting for the right guy to come along. But I don't want to have to go through meaningless faux relationships to get there.

14. Be able to run 3 miles non-stop.
I wimp out around 2 miles, but by next year I want running 3 miles to feel like it does running 1 mile: piece of cake.

15. Do something completely daring.
River rafting, free rock climbing, skydiving... something along those lines. I discovered I kind of enjoy being scared and then taking the plunge. So why not do something and live to tell about it, right? ;)

16. Travel.
Mission trips, study abroad, more conferences... I want to see what the world is like beyond small and materialistic Southern California. To that end I also want to write more.

17. Finish my Bucket List...

2011, I'm not sure what you have in store for me. It'll be a long time until I find out. But this is what I'm trying to do for myself and I hope you will be nice to me!

<333

Closing Up 2010

2010-12-20T00:22:00.000-08:00

The semester from hell is finally over and I am back in the South Bay for Christmas :)

I couldn't be happier to kiss Fall 2010 adieu, not because it was horrible but because it was just so damn busy. I'm no stranger to 18 units but for whatever reason, this semester's load was a LOT harder than the others. Welcome to the real world! But to balance out the stress of academia, Fall 2010 was also F U N. Many new friends, opportunities and good times were had and I can't say I regret any of them :)

I wish I could splatter this blog with pictures and quotes that sum up this semester but unfortunately, I'm not that creative and my mind is still recovering from finals. So, just the high points:

+Washington D.C. for PRSSA National Conference (and all the adventures that came with it)
+Big Bear with all the girls <3
+Seeing MUSE live :D
+My birthday
+Six Flags/Disneyland/Scary Farm
+Reindeer humping
+Having my best friend live down the hall from me
+Seeing Usher//Trey Songz thanks to the bestie
+Growing in faith and in my major

Add to that all the parties, late-night girl talks and 5am Dennys runs and I would say this semester was a success! Even though life was really stressful and sometimes I wasn't sure I could get it all done, I learned so much and God blessed me with many great memories :)

2010 as a whole was the year of change (*cough* cliche), and now I am at the end of it all. I've lost some weight, improved upon my wardrobe, expanded my tastes in music, ideas and the world in general, and have a better grip on what it means to be Me. I've also crossed off a few things on my bucket list (swam with dolphins/sea turtles, seeing Muse etc.)

So now we have arrived at 2011.

I'm a sucker for fresh starts and the prospect of adventure, so naturally I am all over the New Year idealism.

The best part of 2010, is knowing who I am again. The transition from teen to adult was a little strange and a bit rocky, but I've achieved balance. I know who I am, what I need to work on, and who I want to be. It all fits together, somehow.

2011 is a big year! I start my first internship EVER with Warner Bros. Music Group in Burbank, working 18 hours a week with Promotions. I'm scared of messing everything up but definitely exciting and embracing the opportunity with gusto.

In addition to that, I will be taking 14 units at Biola--the smallest amount of classes I have taken in two years. I will also be continuing my old job in hopes of making some bank aha.

So I'm thinking all of that will keep me pretty busy for at least the next three months. I'm definitely stoked to see what is around the corner. Only God knows. And since only He knows, I am once more putting complete trust in Him!

Oh and 2011 is a very important year because I'll officially be the big 2-1!!! Ohhh dang. Should be some good times for sure. Like the last three years of college, but better.

Who knows what is going to happen, whether it be good or bad, exciting or mellow, everything is supposed to happen for a reason. A few goals for the new year:

+Continuing dropping the pounds. I'm pretty in shape, thanks to all the time spent at the gym and the track but I want to keep getting stronger. I want to reach my goal weight and I am 7 pounds away from it! I need to keep going. Plus I want my flexibility back. Remember when I could do the splits? Yeah, its been awhile.

+Continue to live life in the moment. I've been soaking in every moment, enjoying life for what it is and honestly, its made the world seem so much brighter. It sounds stupid I know, but life has this new spark ever since I've stopped worrying about the future or wishing for the past.

+Stop being self-centered. It's hard to be a PR major (the career that is all about image) and not be caught up in self, but I want to continue placing God first and subsequently my family and friends. I want to focus on them and serving them, listening to God and trying to live a life He wants me to be.

Those are just a few of my goals for 2011. I know I should try to keep the list minimal and practical in order to succeed but the dreamer part of me insists on throwing a few more in there as well. I will most definitely be posting a 2011 New Years Resolution List soon...

Last few weeks of the year and things are going so fast! Ah!!!

<3

Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows

2010-11-19T09:42:00.000-08:00

So last night was a pretty big night. Millions of people the world 'round lined up in front of millions of theaters in anticipation of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows: Part One (the seventh installment out of eight movies.) Of course, being a fan of the books, I was one of the millions.

This isn't a movie review. Just some observations...

1. No matter how great a movie is (and this was a damn good flick), it will never compare to the book.

2. Ron got buff.

3. Why is Mundungus Fletcher wearing a seedy looking 80's shirt? It fits his character but still just... why?

4. Emma Watson looks best with long hair.

5. Some people shouldn't be allowed to watch movies in theater.

6. Hedwig didn't die like that. (Even though it would be cool if she did.)

7. Redbull + Caramel Frappucino + m&ms + popcorn + Nerds + Twix = a big fatty stomachache. No. Bueno.

All this to say, it was definitely worth the money, the three hour wait, and going to bed at 5am... and waking up at 7am.

Oh, to be a working college student...

<3

i'm sad.

2010-11-15T22:57:00.001-08:00

for multiple reasons.

all self-centered reasons. all selfish and vain reasons.

but i'm sad nonetheless.

A Very Merry Birthday!

2010-11-13T22:20:00.000-08:00

(copyright to Disney)

I turned old on Friday.

The big two-oh. One year before I turn 21. So close, yet so far *sigh*

So instead of feeling elated, I was mostly just overwhelmed at turning two decades old. I know. There are older people out there and they feel quite young. But getting jolted out of teenage-dom is just weird. Since that's what most of my life has consisted of. Anyway... I feel like writing. And even though it's going to be long and boring, here goes! hehe

It started at midnight of 11/12. I was exhausted from the week's happenings and accidentally fell asleep around 8pm. I was awakened at exactly 12:00 a.m. by a shout of "IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!!" and a showering of bright green balloons. One of my best friends (Love ya Cyd), and some awesome girls on my floor had poured into my room to wish me a happy birthday :)

I opened my present, which turned out to be this pretty fantastic zen fountain thing. Which I LOVE, and is currently running on my desk :D And Cydney wrote me this awesome card that basically sums up our whole friendship: some tears, lots of laughter, great memories all around.

The fountain.

Then I knocked out again ahahaha.

The next day was my actual birthday... so of course I went to DISNEYLAND!! <3 It was all Christmas'd up so the whole family drove out and we spent the day there. Won't bore with the details, but we went on all the good rides, saw some of Fantasmic!, and ate at Cafe Orleans. Love the birthday, love the fam <33

When I got back to my dorm room I saw that my door was decorated with Tinkerbell wrapping paper and streamers :) I seriously love my friends. Then I walk in and Bails (<3), had thrown confetti all over my desk and given me a great birthday card. So fun. and then the door opens and in comes my bestie with a Funfetti birthday cake, 20 candles and all, accompanied by the other girls. So they sang happy birthday, we popped some apple cider and had a good time :)

So I literally celebrated from midnight to midnight! it was WONDERFUL.

And then I woke up at 6:30 this morning and spent 11 hours working an event for high schoolers promoting journalism. It was fun. Event planning and PR = pretty much amazing. haha.

I am so blessed to have friends who remember/care about me and take the time to make me feel special, family who's willing to take a whole day off to celebrate with me, and just... wow. It was so great. I'm still smiling from it all.

Tomorrow is the final bday celebration. Cydney, being the crazy good friend she is, is taking me to see Usher at the Honda Center. VIP seats and all. She's pretty much amazing. What the heck haha. So I'm stoked!! :D

Life is good! God is good! YEE.

<3

OH MAN

2010-10-24T20:40:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated this in days... weeks!

I've been updating my tumblr pretty often but that doesn't suffice :p

This blog will be written on, photo'd up and generally amped up again soon.

Promise!

<3

Blessings in Disguise

2010-10-09T16:56:00.001-07:00

I'm sick.

Headache, fever, sniffles and a cough. Nothing too serious but enough to make me drive home for the weekend like a wuss.

It has definitely been a good weekend though!

+chicken noodle soup
+watching old movies:
~BBC Pride & Prejudice
~Take Me Out To The Ball Game (gene kelly... LOVE)
~Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
+seeing the family for the first time in weeks
+time to do my homework (read: mid terms)
+free laundry

overall, a pretty decent weekend, despite its contrast to the wildness of the last one :)

One Month Challenge, Week Three

2010-09-26T16:37:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's almost been a month since my first post! I'm still eating junk food but managed to reduce my intake (last night notwithstanding... hellooo three chocolate chip cookies). I even skipped fro yo this week!

I've been eating a lot of salad (without the dressing), bread (without butter), soup (without the crackers) and the occasional turkey slice. It's surprising how easy it is to maintain a high energy level during the day when I actually eat healthy. I've found I can concentrate better in class, be more productive, and work out more intensely. It's a win-win situation.

I'm still not junk-food free but I have learned how to avoid the binge eating. Whenever I get stressed, my first impulse is to eat. I just shut down. I binge, I sleep, I eat some more. But I've finally found a way to counter that.

Now instead of turning to food for comfort I turn to working out. Running, weights, yoga whatever, it works. And it's great.

I don't feel gross as much anymore, and I know how to combat cravings AND stress.

So even though I'm STILL not living up to the challenge completely, I'm learning some important lessons.

The month is almost up! Let's see how healthy I stay THIS week.

MUSE

2010-09-23T23:36:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time I wrote a bucket list. Number 4 was "See Muse Live."

Two years later it happened. And it was an amazing, kick ass time.

I've liked Muse for a long time, way before Twilight ever came to pass. (I'm still scratching my head over why Muse collaborated with vampires, but that's another post.)

Anyway, B and L drove out to school and the three of us drove to the Honda Center to see this amazing band here from England for the first time in who knows how long.

We were running late and we walked quickly into the lobby. We climbed up the stairs. The sounds of "Take A Bow" resonated from speakers. We picked up our pace. The crowd was going nuts, even though Muse wasn't quite on the stage yet. Suddenly, "Resistance" began playing. It was starting. Muse. Live. We started to run.

We made it to our seats just as the band came on stage. The roar of the crowd, the sounds of "Resistance," Matt Bellamy actually THERE... my adrenaline was rushing before I even put my purse down.

The whole concert was amazing. You know a band is good when they perform live, and they sound even better. Not every band sounds like that. But Muse does. The songs I've listened to over and over, now blasting from the stage, surrounded by people who loved their music as much as I do. Oh. Man.

A few of the songs they played:

+Resistance
+Supermassive Black Hole
+United States of Eurasia (minus Chopin at the end)
+Hysteria
+Starlight
+Time Is Running Out (How could the NOT?!)
+Undisclosed Desires
+The Small Print
+Feeling Good (swoon)
+Map of the Problematique
+Knights of Cydonia (FINALE gah).

My life is just that much more complete. I'm still high off the adrenaline rush.

What a great night :)

One Month Challege, Week Two-ish

2010-09-18T22:46:00.001-07:00

So in a previous post I began my challenge for September (inspired by CC), of forgoing junk food for an entire month, with the exception of frozen yogurt.

Well let me tell you what I've had to eat in the past two and a half weeks:

chips
ice cream
cookies
frozen yogurt

...oops. Fail!

But not entirely! So I started the week off well, not eating any junk food and this lasted for an entirety of oh, a day. But I really, REALLY limited my intake of the sweets and salty snacks. For example, I would have a handful of chips or a bite of a cookie. I rarely binged. And for me, that's huge.

So while I wasn't able to keep my paws off the junk food, I was able to use self-control and limit my intake. I felt good about myself, and according to Weight Watchers I didn't even use up all my points each day! I worked out with more energy than usual, and just felt more alert in general.

I also lost three pounds.

So even though I haven't been sticking to the challenge whole-heartedly there have definitely been positive results.

I'm still trying to stick to the whole "no junk food" mantra for the last two weeks, since starting over is always a good thing.

Here's to dedication :p

<3

Realization.

2010-09-15T18:36:00.000-07:00

The first time I thought I was fat I was five. A girl told me I was really fat so I believed her.

I thought my legs were too chubby.

But I got over it as five year olds do.

Then I turned 15. And I felt fat and self-conscious again.

I thought this picture of me made my stomach and arms huge.

I spent the next three years feeling like I needed to lose 25 pounds but I just couldn't find the self-control or dedication to do it.

So by the time senior year rolled around I was self-conscious about my stomach and still needed to lose 25 pounds. It never occurred to me that the fact I was the exact same weight as I was three years ago was an indication that it was okay.

This was supposed to be my senior picture. But it made my stomach look big so I chose a close up shot instead.

College was no different. I gained a lot of weight due to stress and other issues. So I was the heaviest I had ever been. I spent my entire fall semester feeling "blah." Not pretty, not attractive, just blah.

This is me at my lowest point (aka highest weight). You'll notice my face has gotten rounder and I'm not as skinny as I used to be haha:

I've lost eight pounds since that picture was taken. And I hope to lose 8 more. Or maybe even 10. But here's the deal: I'm OKAY with how I look now.

I look back on all these pictures, pictures where I formerly thought, "ew. untag. ew. i look so chubby." and I realize that I wasn't half as overweight as I thought I was. I had an image problem.

It wasn't an eating disorder. I was never anorexic or bulimic. It wasn't ever serious or life-threatening.

But I had image problems nonetheless. I would look in the mirror and think, "I'm not like those girls who look in the mirror and see a girl who is like, 20 pounds heavier than they actually are. This is really how I look. *sigh*"

But the ironic truth was, I WAS one of those girls. What I weight/looked like as a freshman in college, is how I thought I looked at 15. I wear a size 5 now. Back then I was a size 2. What??

It's crazy how that works out. It gets more ironic.

Right now, I weight much more and have more fat on my body than I ever did as a senior in highschool. But I finally see my self the way I really am. And I'm comfortable with that.

I'm just me. I acknowledge the areas that could lose fat/get toned/whatever. But I am also happy with the way I look right now.

Sure I'd like to be a size 2 again. But I'm much more secure now, as a size 5, than I ever was three years ago.

Quirks, flaws and all. It is what it is and it's me :)

updates, apologies, etc.

2010-09-15T00:19:00.000-07:00

I meant to blog today, I really did.

I meant to write about my month challenge and how that was going, PRSSA, campaigning for Journalism Boot Camp, Washington D.C. and helping my aunt with her new baking business and so forth...

But then this little thing called 5 Hour Energy Drink came into my life.

The crash feels like death. And by death I mean the flu.

I feel a lot better now but still, ick.

Or maybe I really am getting sick (please God, no).

Either way, that's the last time I invest in energy drinks. Or in this case, energy shots.

Bleh.

One Month Challenge

2010-09-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

I'm a big fan of the college blog College Candy and one of the columns they have is the One-Month Challenge. Every girl has something they would like to improve on. I've decided that for this fall semester, I will give myself a challenge for every month until we hit finals.

The One Month Challenge this month on CC, was to give up junk food completely. It inspired me to do a [slightly modified] version of this challenge too.

SO, my One Month Challenge for September 2010 is to give up on junk food entirely, with the exception of fro yo. Because really, who can expect a girl to get through a month without my fro yo. Impossible!

Basically, I'm cutting out anything unhealthy. This includes chips, fries, ice cream *tear*, brownies, etc. It's not so much of a challenge to lose weight, but more of a challenge to live the healthy lifestyle I've been fighting for all summer. It's time to give my body the break it deserves, and see if it will make any difference.

I'll be blogging here every Tuesday night to write some observations and report on my progress (or lack thereof).

Hope everyone had a great Labor Day weekend! Let's grind through until Friday :)

<33

falala

2010-09-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

There is no doubt about it... after one week, three papers, four quizzes, and six bowls of oatmeal later, I have concluded that Fall semester will be a bit difficult. Our next break isn't until Thanksgiving *cries* but thankfully this weekend is the start of LABOR DAY!!!

This means:

-pedicures and fro yo with the girls
-dancing all night long
-partypartyparty
-trip to san diego. or maybe just the beach ;)
-BBQ/visit with the fam bam
-SLEEPING IN

I am thus far in heaven.

Can't wait!

theme song

2010-09-01T23:52:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've blogged. A shamefully long while, in fact.

18 units, work, friends, family, commitments... going from a summer of bliss to return to chaotic college life was a bit stressful! But now I've hit my stride again and it feels good :) Got my homework done, eating right, working out, hanging out with friends, learning from God... it's been a good week.

So that's what has been going on with me.

I think I will make it one of my goals this semester to blog at least once a week. Regardless of who reads (or doesn't read) my posts, it's a good thing for a journalist to, you know, actually write consistently haha ;)

I could write an extensively long and boring update on how great/challenging life has been but for now, I think it's just easier to sum it up in this song, because this is exactly what's up!

I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine
I'm lovin' cloud nine, my head's in the sky
I'm solo, I'm ridin' solo

Yeah, I'm feelin' good tonight
Finally doing me and it feels so right, oh
Time to do the things I like
Going to the club everything's alright, oh

Told me get my shit together
Now I got my shit together, yeah
Now I made it through the weather
Better days are gonna get better

I'm so sorry that it didn't work out
I'm movin' on
I'm so sorry but it's over now
The pain is gone

I'm puttin' on my shades to cover up my eyes
I'm jumpin' in my ride, I'm headin' out tonight
I'm solo, I'm ridin' solo
I'm ridin' solo, I'm ridin' solo, solo

:D

The next ocean

2010-08-22T02:59:00.000-07:00

12 hours, three car loads, and one shopping trip later, I am FINALLY moved into my dorm room :)
It's super cute, two of my besties live right down the hall, and two great friends from high school live on the floor beneath mine. It's pretty freakin awesome, not gonna lie.

I'm so stoked for this year.
I know it's going to be stressful and crazy busy but I think I'm happier this way.
I wonder what adventures are in store this second time around, and more importantly, what God has to show me (through trials and blessings alike) this year.
Who is He going to bring into my life, and what is He going to use me for?
I'm trying to simply BE, and to listen to what He wants me to do, what I can do for His great plan.
It's pretty exciting stuff :)

I remember this time last year, I was so lost, hurting and broken. I was an emotional, clueless wreck but thanks to God and my friends, I somehow got through the year and I'm proud to say, the girl who walked into school last year, is no more. God has filled my heart with so much love and peace it's crazy. And all I had to do was trust Him. Imagine that.

I remember the day before I left, I drove down to my favorite beach and sat on the sand all by myself. I stared out into the ocean, and said to God, "This ocean is like my future. It's wide, and a little scary and I can't see the end of it. There are blank faces and empty canvases ahead of me. For the first time, I have no idea what kind of friends or what kind of life is in store for me. I'm so caught up in what's going on here, I can't see how I'll ever get out of this mess. I can't see how this hurt is ever going to go away. I just ask that you pull me out of here and I trust you will fill those blank faces and empty canvases with the right people and the right experiences."

And yet as I said this, I still wasn't sure. I was stuck in a rut.

But here I am, a whole year later. Some of the blank faces have been filled with some amazing friends and the empty canvas has splashes of color: laughter, tears, adventures, and life lessons. I've crossed the ocean. God not only pulled me out of that rut in my life, but He's placed me where I'm supposed to be. But now I'm sitting on another beach, looking at ANOTHER long stretch of water. Again, I can't what lies beyond. I'm about to go swimming in a storm of stress and chaos. And I can't wait.

My heart is full and I am content, so happy with my friends and family. I'm just in a better place than last year. And I have no doubt that God is going to do some amazing things and even if things go horribly awry, He will be there with me.

I just want to pray a blessing over everyone here at school, that we listen to His voice and that we stay strong whatever this year brings.

I'm about to dive in head first, and I'm excited to see what lies in this particular ocean.

Here's to another school year!

<3

welcome to paradise

2010-08-07T22:43:00.001-07:00

Best friend + beach house + remaining weeks of summer...

It doesn't get much better than this :)

expect a dry spell...

2010-08-01T23:15:00.000-07:00

i have way too many journals/blogs:

1. this blog. which has thus far served as a site for all my ramblings, some adventures, prayers, etc. etc.

2. my tumblr. This is my visual diary of sorts.

3. my livejournal--no one reads this one but me. it holds many of my secrets, fears, and deepest thoughts. it's also a diary for long, boring entries that only i would find interesting.

4. my prayer journal. it's just a pretty journal that i keep on my desk. i write to God in it.

all of this to say, I write every day. I blog every day. But a lot of the times, it's not on this particular site. And lately I've been inspired to post more short blips on tumblr, and vent all frustrations out on the live journal. So if I don't post until the end of August or something, that's why.

Just thought I would give you a head's up!

<3

Fall 2010 Sched

2010-07-27T21:38:00.001-07:00

It's a little early to be writing this, but seeing as school is starting in less than a month [.... i know] I might as well:

Monday:

9:30-10:30 - Chapel
12:00-12:50 - Intro to Convergence
1:30-2:45 - Journalism Research
3:00-3:50 - Nature of Computing
4:30-5:20 - PR Practicum
6:00-9:00 - Acts

Tuesday:

8:30-9:20 - Volleyball
10:30-11:45 - Writing for Public Relations
1:30-2:45 - Theology I

Wednesday:

8:00-9:30 - Work
9:30-10:30 - Chapel
12:00-12:50 - Intro to Convergence
1:30-2:45 - Journalism Research
3:00-3:50 - Nature of Computing

Thursday:

8:30-9:20 - Volleyball
10:30-11:45 - Writing for Public Relations
1:30-2:45 - Theology I
3:00-5:00 - Work

Friday:

8:00-9:30 - Work
9:30-10:30 - Chapel
12:00-12:50 - Intro to Convergence

+ writing for the newspaper, PRSSA, Social Action ministry, church, and a dance/yoga class or two...

looks like it's going to be a crazy semester. Can't wait!

<3

This verse...

2010-07-25T11:41:00.000-07:00

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

-Romans 12:2

As a teenager/college student especially, I feel this verse is a daily challenge to follow.

But we can't grow if we're not challenged, right?

I Dreamed a Dream

2010-07-25T01:37:00.000-07:00

I Dreamed a Dream

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

-Fantine, Les Miserables

Reminder to Self:

2010-07-21T15:27:00.000-07:00

At the end of the day, it's still all about God.

Donde esta summer?!

2010-07-19T07:32:00.000-07:00

It was the end of May. Finals were almost completed and I could already visualize myself laying out in the sun, day in and day out. By the time I had finished packing the last of my things, I could practically feel the ocean's salty waves lifting my body up and down.

And then I came home. And the perpetual California Gurls record I had playing in my head came to a screeching halt.

June gloom had arrived, and it wasn't. going. away.

I would wake up every morning and the overcast chilly weather was there. For four long weeks... make that five or six since the gloom extended into July, I would be forced to hike, party, and live in 65 degree weather, with little to no sun. What was this?! I don't know if it was the weather or if it was sheer exhaustion from school, but June was a bad month. Sure I had fun here and there but mostly it was just me in a slump.

Then finally last week [40 days before school starts, I might add], the sun came up! Finally!

Bike rides! Hiking! Bonfires! Parties! Beach all day!

But now, only 7 days after the sun decided to show itself, he has disappeared again.

Lamest.

In A Relationship

2010-07-15T22:16:00.000-07:00

I like being in a relationship with God better than being in a relationship with a boy.

Here's why:

1. God won't ever break up with you or make stupid excuses for his behavior. He will stay there until the very end... and beyond that. "Til death do us part" doesn't really apply in this relationship.

2. God won't ever hurt you. Remember those fights and cruel words? The tears and insecurities? Yeah, God doesn't bring that upon you.

3. No matter how shitty you treat Him, He will always forgive.

4. You won't get pregnant. The whole Virgin Mary incident not included.

5. He always has time for you. AND He likes your friends.

6. You can skip the whole "meet the parents" thing. Well, He can meet your parents, but at least you know He won't show up late to dinner and He won't be awkward.

7. He fills the holes in your life. Emotional dependence on God is actually healthy.

8. That whole commitment thing? yeah, He kinda loves it. He won't freak out when you say you want to be with Him the rest of your life.

9. You don't have to ditch Him during girls nights out.

10. He wrote an entire book with promises, love songs, and TRUTH for you.

uninteresting.

2010-07-15T22:12:00.001-07:00

i eat, i sleep, i work, i think.

i also occasionally laugh.

this unexpected bout of laziness and apathy towards all of life stems from my not spending some QT with God.

so I will be back once the whole apathy thing has ended.

That's one of the best things about being in a relationship with God. No matter how "boring" your life is at the moment, best believe He will come and shake things up, for His glory. Following Him and doing what He says basically means living a Christ-centered life. And from what I've seen and experienced, there's no such thing as an apathetic, boring life when Christ is in the picture.

So apathy, meet thy doom!

<3

hiking, the 4th, Little India and other summer adventures.

2010-07-09T16:49:00.001-07:00

So this summer I've decided hiking is something I actually enjoy.

Somewhere in between the years of hiking The Narrows, the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, and various cave and waterfall expeditions, my father's ideals of nature have rubbed off on me and I've begun to take some adventures of my own :)

Last month I found myself hiking to the Hollywood sign with two friends. It was perfect weather, sunny but windy, and the trail was just challenging enough for me to work up a sweat... though that was largely in part to the sun. Anyway, it was definitely worth it!

This was the view at the top. And yes it feels like you're on top of the world, or on top of Los Angeles anyway.

We may or may not have had to tresspass, but I've always believed in the saying, "It is better to beg for forgiveness than to ask permission." And we didn't have to beg so it's all good.

While the hot dusty roads of North Hollywood were fun, this past week I decided to stick a little closer to home. And by home, I mean the ocean.

There's just something calming about standing over this vast body of water, shades of grey and blue by turns, and knowing God is in control. There is so much to take in. The metaphors, artistic inspiration, and the sheer power of the water is endless, a never ending wealth of our biggest fears and hopes.

This was the view when we first started hiking down the cliff. Breathtaking, no matter how many times I've seen it. (photos taken by my lovely cousin, Mikki).

After slipping and sliding down some hills we were greeted with the salty aroma of the ocean, barely crashing waves, and a lotttt of seaweed.

We also saw a lot of these little guys. One came scrabbling up by the rock I was standing on and it felt not unlke a very large spider crawling around :p Not cool haha.

Other than the hiking expeditions, I celebrated a surprisingly fun 4th of July, lit off firecrackers for the first time in my life, explored Little India, and ventured to a bonfire or two. Shopping and movies have also taken up a surprisingly large amount of my time, which is odd considering how little I care for buying things 90% of the time. All in all a good summer so far! :)

different kinds of love.

2010-07-06T19:58:00.000-07:00

Every relationship reads like a story, complete with humor, romance and sometimes tragedy. Always irony.

Some relationships are short stories, some are novels, some are a series where the characters keep returning, even when you thought they were done with. Some stories are great only for a certain time in your life, but once you grow out of that phase, the story just doesn't work anymore.

But in the end they are all truly stories, aren't they?

It doesn't matter if it was a seven-chapter stint, or a novel the size of your physics textbook, they were real. You learned from them, you were influenced by them.

Some of the stories weren't entirely enjoyable of course. They may have started out captivatingly enough, but the ending was so drawn-out that you couldn't wait to just close the book already.

Or maybe your story began as a slow read, but picked up speed unexpectedly towards the middle, leaving you breathless till the very end.

And sometimes the relationship is just a great read from beginning to end. You read the first page and you're hooked, and you go through the entire story absolutely addicted. Even if you have to put the story down for awhile, you just can't wait to get back to it. You don't mind re-reading it. It's a keeper.

There are the stories that you won't ever forget, even if you never read them again.
There are the stories you remember fondly, though you don't know exactly why.

It's just a matter of sorting through the different stories you read in your life and deciding which ones youre willing to take the time to read again, which ones you are willing to commit to reading to the end, and most importantly, which ones you are going to keep.

A truly great story is one to be cherished. If some parts are tedious or difficult, it's worth plodding through because the ending is wonderful.

now that i have similied the crap out of this interesting metaphor it's time to return to my own story. stories. whatever.

happy reading!

<3

Definitely going to see this!

2010-07-02T15:36:00.000-07:00

Say what you will about Zac pretty boy Efron, the guy can act. and sing. and dance.

And I'm not referencing High School Musical when I say this.

Anyway, besides the fact that Zac Efron is ridiculously talented gorgeous, this movie looks good :)

I've already seen Toy Story 3, so I guess this is next on my "to see in theaters" list:

I can't wait!

Life Goals

2010-06-28T18:48:00.000-07:00

This past Saturday some friends and I went hiking up to the Hollywood sign. Given the length of the hike and the adrenaline high we got while hiking, it was almost inevitable that we would get to talking about some of the things we would like to do in this life.

Well, I got to thinking about all the things I would like to do, and I dug up my Bucket List that I made last year.

I've decided to make it public and have this blog serve as a reminder of the things I want to accomplish :)

[this list is different than my summer bucket list, just to clarify<3]

1. Travel--Italy, Austria, England, Japan, Argentina & New Zealand

2. Fight for what's right... make a difference.

3. Swim with dolphins or sea turtles... or both

4. See Muse live.

5. Find God's calling for me & pursue it with my all

6. Go skydiving or base jumping

7. Hike the Narrows again... this time all 22 miles

8. Spend a week alone in God's creation, with a notebook and camera. A Thoreauesque experience.

9. Take mother to England, and Dad to see the Blue Man Group

10. View the Northern Lights.

11. New York for Christmas and New Years Eve

12. Marry the man I truly love, and no. one. else.

13. Play the entirety of the Vince Guaraldi Trio music

14. Go on a short-term missions trip to fight human trafficking.

15. Graduate college with honors, eternal friendships, and a great experience.

16. Be financially independent.

17. Take my kids to Disneyland.

18. Spend a day or two dedicated to cave-hunting.

19. Organize all my notebooks and photos. this one might be impossible...

20. Publish a novel.

21. Speak another language fluently.

These aren't very well thought out. I remember just writing off things that came to mind, and I will refine and re-do this list as the years go on, but for now, it is a start!

<3

World of Color

2010-06-19T22:49:00.000-07:00

This past Tuesday I went to see the new World of Color show at Disney's California Adventure.

It's a madhouse. The viewing area only fits 4,000 people, so seating is extremely limited. You have to actually use a FastPass in order to see the show! Crazy, right? Of course Disney, being the calculating business that it is, used this to its monetary advantage by creating "dinner and a show" like deals.

You can eat at Ariel's Grotto on Paradise Pier, and then get choice seating for the World of Color show after. A 3 course meal and guaranteed seats, all for the price of $40. Eesh.

Anyway, my aunt was kind enough to buy us all dinner and we were able to view the show together :) It was a really fun night, and thanks to the dinner deal, we had no trouble getting great seats and didn't have to wait in line.

My aunt and I, watching the sun set over Paradise Pier and waiting to eat dinner.

The siblings and cousin waiting for dinner to be served! We were seated towards the back in a little grotto of our own. It was quiet enough for good conversation, but we still got a good view of everything going on.

The view from the restaurant. This is where World of Color is shown.

Food. And weird relations of mine. We were given a choice of tri-tip steak, assorted pastas, and grilled chicken. I chose the chicken in a faux attempt to be healthy. Gannon's weird concoction is ravioli.

Anyway, the company and dining were excellent, but the show itself was just extreme.

The things Disney can do with water is amazing! It's a beautiful array of colors, music, and memories that everyone will enjoy, I promise you. There wasn't a real storyline, which I found to be something of a flaw, but other than that I thoroughly loved it!

If I'm to be honest, while it was impressive and wonderful, it wasn't my favorite show I've seen at Disney. But whatever! It's a great way to kick off the summer,

Check it out when you can :D

an indulgent monologue,

2010-06-18T14:49:00.001-07:00

I'm not really sure what this is. It's not me speaking. It's a monologue for a character I haven't thought up, in a book I haven't written.

I guess I was just bored haha.

Anyway, a monologue full of indulgent, overly worded fluff:

It was when i suddenly realized the futility of spending time on the people I thought I valued, the opinions I was so wary of, that I found in the space a few seconds, utter despair and sudden freedom. The despair of time wasted and the shallowness of my own life gave way to the freedom from that shallowness into a life yet untainted, made pure with unthought of possibilities.

It is scary to drop a friend. but to drop a friend means to concede that person was not a true friend to begin with. In my values system, though a friend and I may grow apart, that feeling of loyalty will never completely fade. A friend may become a stranger, but never a hated one. Only a truly cold and vicious act would induce lasting feelings of dislike towards a friend.

No, the people who will shortly fade from my life were not true friends to begin with, and that is fine. This is not a bitter statement. After all, if every "friend" was a true friend, that would be evidence of people clicking with everyone they meet in the world, and as I now have learned, a life filled with genuine harmony and chemistry is simply a figment of the imagination.

It is important to identify which of your current friendships are worth fighting for, and which are, in the end, simply not worth it. You must discern which friendships are cordial but pretentious, and which are truly, bracingly, real. I have acquaintances who I get along with and have fun with, yet the fact I am acknowledging that they are acquaintances and not best friends makes is alright. I have friends whom I was once close to and no longer see. That is also alright. It is a silent nod, "we had fun hanging out together, and I haven't forgotten", and a mutual understanding that it was simply us growing up that allowed us to grow apart. But then there are those who I spend entirely too much time with, too much reliance on, the make up of a close friend, but deep at the core, it is not that at all. That is not all right.

It is uncommon, even rude, to formally acknowledge this fact aloud. So what to do when you realize this about what was formerly assumed to be a close relationship? A relationship where we are both just using each other in equal measure?

I am not entirely sure.

I know who my true close friends are, the ones I click with and enjoy spending time with, even if we are doing nothing together. The ones who take me as I am, and who I embrace everlastingly. These are the people I will put first, that I will without a doubt defend.

I know who my old friends are. These are the people who I will meet years from now and laugh about old times with, people to catch up with over lunch and to thank for a good childhood/middle school/high school experience.

I know who my acquaintances are and I look forward to whatever random adventures I find myself on with them. Who knows, but they may one day turn into close friends?

But what about those faux friends of mine?

I still don't have an answer, but I am sure, quite sure, that I am starting a new chapter in my life and though I am sluggish to begin it, it has now begun. I must leave these faux friends behind, but what then stands in their place?

I suppose time will tell, and when it does, I will probably write about it.

a thought.

2010-06-18T02:33:00.001-07:00

Everyone has to say goodbye to childhood.

I'd like to think that having children is the closure to that goodbye.

Goals

2010-06-15T00:13:00.001-07:00

so the last time i wrote, all i pretty much said was, "It's Summer 2010, shit happens, and I have to put the past behind me."

Hakuna Ma-freakin-tata.

And I did. So here I am!

In the words of Timon and Pumba, 'It means no worries, for the rest of your days...'

I'm not an optimist. I know there will be worries in the future, but so far it has meant no worries for the rest of the summer.

The month of June has so far gone thus:

I have a simple job, 10-20 hours a week, with nice people.
I've spent lots of money. Clothes, food, entertainment, it adds up.
I've gone to the beach, gone to parties, and haven't cracked open a book [except for some Jane Austen but that's it I swear].

And because of all this I am, inevitably, bored.

You don't realize how busy and hectic your life is until you take a break from it. The fact that I have more than 20 minutes to finish each meal, and I don't have to wake up early to get everything done has overwhelmed me. Like... what do I do now?? I'm really happy to be out of school. I'm relieved, overjoyed, content, but I still want to be working towards something.

I've thought about it and here is what I would like to work on, for this glorious, lazy, whacked out weather summer:

1. Lose 20 pounds. I lost 13 last summer. I can go the extra mile this summer.
2. In regards to that, run 3 times a week.
3. Finish all the short stories/poems I started this past school year.
4. Save $$$
5. Learn how to surf.
6. Swim with sea turtles.
7. Apply for tons of scholarships/internships.
8. Re-do bedroom
9. Kingdom Hearts 2.

Obviously, there are more things in life that I'm working towards than the things I just listed. But honestly, its summer and I don't ever have time to do any of these things when school is in sesh. My goals aren't ambitious or even that challenging, but I think it will give me the feeling of productiveness that I lost once school ended.

I will update on how this goes in the future.

Peace,

<3

Hakuna Matata

2010-06-01T15:09:00.000-07:00

is pretty much the way I will be living at the moment.

Goodbye, for a little while.

2010-05-27T14:53:00.001-07:00

My room is empty. The walls once covered in posters and pictures are blank, and only a bare mattress remains on the bed frame. My computer bag and Dooney & Bourke are all that are left with me in my room.

The wind is cold as it sails through my window. The sky is overcast, and an odd contrast to the greenery of springtime.

Poetry and metaphors could be used to describe my feelings, but I am a college student at the end of finals week, and creativity of any kind just seems like too much effort.

So instead, all I have to say about all of this is:

It's weird.

It's weird to be packed up and ready to leave Biola--the place I now call home--and back to a house where I don't even have a bedroom. It's weird to think I will be in the South Bay for a whole three months. Even though my school is only 40 minutes from home, it seems like a whole different world. It's weird to say good bye to people, and even sad, because next year is different, and some of the people I say goodbye to, aren't coming back. They aren't coming back, and they live hours, states, and even countries away. And I know I probably won't see them again. Thank God for Facebook I guess.

It's odd to think about my floor mates, who were once strangers, but 9 months down the road have become neighbors, friends, and family. It's odd to think that next year, it won't be my friends who live across from me, but girls who I haven't even met yet. I'm excited to meet new friends, but it feels strange to say goodbye to the girls. We will still be friends, but the whole neighbor thing will be missed greatly.

This year was so fun. It wasn't the "best year ever!" but it was definitely great.

I am a different person now, than when I first moved in.

The people I've met, the things I've done... it's all changed me. Maybe not drastically, but it has been a change for the better. I've grown up a lot and I think that's a good thing. I've learned how to become a better friend, sister, daughter and follower of Christ.

I was not a happy camper when I first moved into Biola. I was stoked to start college, but there was just "emotional baggage" that I brought with me. My priorities weren't right either. I was just this 18-year-old kid who was bent on the next best thing, the next party, getting what was mine, etc. etc.

But then gradually, from August up to now in May, things changed. The baggage has been tossed out to sea and forgotten. I've gained a better understanding of what is important in life, and what I want to do in the next few years. I still like going out and being crazy, but there are other things out there I find more important, suddenly.

I wasn't sure about my major when I arrived at school, but after the classes and ecc's I've done, I know I have chosen the right path, at least for now ;)

Oh, and one little thing is I've learned to lean on God and to pursue a relationship with Him.

But seriously, it's been kind of cool to see how God removed all the crap that was with me at the beginning of the year, and replaced it with so many wonderful people and memories :) He's restored my confidence and happiness tenfold what it was before. It's been great.

My friends, my floor, my major... My first year at Biola can definitely be called a success :D

I'm SO stoked for summer, starting with this weekend, already filled with plans with friends and family.

But I'm also stoked for the fall.

Biola peeps, I will miss you! And I can't wait to see you in the fall!

I hope everyone has a fabulous summer, and I can't wait to hear all the stories in three months time.

That being said, I have one last final to conquer before summer officially starts so peace!

<3

A litttle prayer for Biolians.

2010-05-20T01:14:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

Finals week is upon us.

Sickness, stress, lack of sleep, and foggy brains are closing in.

We all know we are going to make it to the end in one piece... or at least, with half of our sanity, but we could use some of Your strength during this time!

I pray a blessing over all the Biola students.

I pray for more laughter than tears, more prayer than complaint, and more trust than self-doubt.

I pray for peace and clarity.

Please help us to finish well!

Amen.

<3

5 Things that got me through Spring Semester.

2010-05-13T17:39:00.000-07:00

18 units. Two jobs. 18-hour days.

Things were a bit busy this semester. There was a lot to deal with, taking 8 classes that had me working like a banshee ten times out of ten, a new job to get adjusted to (read: receptionist = major multitasking at times), chapels to ~~slide and glide~~ attend, and people to deal with.

It has been the typical spring semester of a typical college student. Some people cope in the form of break downs, some people booze it up on the weekends, some people eat... a lot, and some sleep all day, all in the name of relieving the stress and pressures of daily life.

I didn't have a break down [yet], I sleep in maybe once a month if I'm lucky, and my weekends have been relatively mellow... so how did I get through it all?

1. Secret Life Of The American Teenager/The Hills/Gossip Girl

The acting talent in Secret Life is brilliant only when compared to The Hills, and the materialistic, overly sexual bitches on Gossip Girl makes The Hills girls seem positively tame (well, it HAS been a pretty boring season anyway...), and the scenarios on The Hills seem realistic only when compared to the impossible plot lines of Secret Life... Here's my point: I am unashamedly addicted to trash TV. When I come home from a long day of class and work laden with a take-out box of salad and a sandwich, I adore uploading the latest episode of whatever TV show from the night before and vegging for a good hour before resuming the activity professors call "studying" but I prefer to use the more accurate term "kicking my ass."

2. Frozen Yogurt

I gained the freshman 15 from an overdose of popcorn, cookies, frosting (yes, just plain frosting and lots of it) last semester. This semester I've been eating more healthy, but as such I am deprived of the stress-induced foods I crave. Read: no sweets. But frozen yogurt (piled with oodles of fruit and maybe some mochi) has provided an outlet for my stomach's angst. And it's a sweet treat and a welcome reprise to look forward to every Thursday and Saturday.

3. Hot tubbing

Once a week. Two hours. Two besties. All of a sudden, my sanity comes back.

4. Ocean Star by Christina DiMari

It's her memoir. I wrote about it in an earlier post but anyway, totally helped charge my relationship with God and helped me gain a better understanding of what it means to let go of things, and put complete trust in Him. It helped me get through the rough patches and times of uncertainty. Plus it inspired me to start the whole drawing/writing/creating thing again :) She has inspired me to live life to the fullest. As cheesy as that sounds, life took on a whole new meaning after reading this book!

5. God

He knows me best. He never lets me fall. He loves me and fills me up with I start to feel lonely or hurt again. He's there when I mess up, He's there when I do the right thing. When stress clouds my mind, Jesus clears my heart.

*big huge melodramatic sigh*

And with that being said, it's time to hit the books again... Finals are right around the corner.

But then again... SUMMER is right around the corner :D :D :D

Peace out!

<3

the five week countdown.

2010-04-26T13:03:00.001-07:00

I know... I've written at least six entries about these wonderful three months of the year we call summer.
But the thing is, summer NEVER gets old. Not for anyone.
And so, I will post another entry, at risk of being repetitive.

I long for the summer.
My hair grows longer by the week in anticipation of being immersed in the salty sea waves, and dyed red by the Sun's rays.
My skin grows darker in preparation of long days spent outdoors, whether camping, swimming, lying on the grass, or biking on the beach.
Students grow restless as professors drone on.
We are confined to the air conditioned dullness of class while the blue skies and warm breezes call to us from without.
Motivation for papers and projects die a lingering death, as inspiration for the creativity of summer begins to emerge.
Visions of last summer's late night shenanigans, early morning conversations, and mid afternoon adventures break through my feigned studious mindset.
This season holds new adventures, new friends, and new experiences mixed in with the old.
Summer.
It is a mere five weeks away.
Those five weeks seem to go so slowly, so slowly, so slowly...
I long for the summer.

positivity from the negatives.

2010-04-24T02:25:00.000-07:00

I won't lie.

Today could have sucked if I had let it. There were plenty of things to pull me down.
And while sometimes I let the stupid ish in life make me depressed, today I fought it and I won :)

Work was a little rough but I learned from past mistakes and honestly I am better off because of it. Now I know how to strengthen my work ethic and how to do better at my job. And I can and will improve with each shift. Plus I got my paycheck ;)

Then there's deciding whether moving to D.C. for four months is the best decision (school wise, work wise, cost wise) and I had a long talk with my parents. It was a bit stressful thinking about all of it. I feel pulled towards D.C. but a big part of me just wants to stay at Biola where I belong and where I know how to move forward and push myself.

I felt super frustrated with God today because He hasn't given me a clear direction yet. I know He will tell me when the time is right but I'm impatient and the IsoknowmorethanGod part of me was throwing a tantrum about how this last minute stuff just doesn't work. I told myself I needed to trust God more and if this isn't a perfect opportunity to do so then I don't know what is. So despite all the stress I finally realized like, hi, regardless of what I want to do I need to be listening to God and what He has to say about the matter and trusting His timing in it all.

Above all, I realized that I can't be making this decision out of fear. Fear of the unknown if I stay here, fear of the unknown if I go back east... so irrational. It's about God, it's not about me. If He wants to bless me with this opportunity I should be taking it, not whining about it!

Another dent in the day is how I'm annoyed with the way things have turned how in the past month with certain people and how things just always, ALWAYS seem to end this way. It doesn't matter who the people are or what we do, I always end up getting screwed over. It never works out for me. I'm always the victim. And then I just had to take a deep breath and say STOP RIGHT THERE.

It's pathetic to throw a pity party for myself. Dragging my feet on the ground is not the way to go about life, especially when the sun is shining in most areas of life. Instead, tomorrow I'm going to take a "me" afternoon. Pedicure, lay out by the pool, sleep in, clean my dorm room (that does make me happy) and just kind of relax without the obligation of jobs, meetings, or classes. It will be nice. So instead of worrying about what I can't change... I should be celebrating life the way it is. Yay for God blessing me with this great year at school. Yay for the time to relax. Just yay for all these wonderful blessings! God's timing is perfect. I have prayed to Him and now I leave it up to Him. I give it up to Him. And now that that's taken care of I have to try and relax. Sleep. Breathe.

It's great.

Oh, and tonight made things so much better :) Dancing in a crowded dorm room, amid glow sticks, strangers, speakers, and strobe lights, free Chick-Fil-A, standing in front of a green screen rocking out to Miley Cyrus and Ke$sha, late night girl talks with floormates, In N' Out... This was a night well spent.

And I can't wait for tomorrow.

The sun, the pool, and the promise of a new day call me to bed now.

yay positives.

<3

What I learned this weekend.

2010-04-18T22:27:00.000-07:00

This was a fun weekend. Laughed, loved, lived... it was your typical when-life-is-decent weekend.

But I also learned some important life lessons! Which doesn't necessarily happen every weekend, and if it does, then it goes unacknowledged.

Anywho, I started reading Ocean Star by Christina DiMari, a memoir about her life thus far and how she had grown into the person she is today. Yes, your typical inspiring autobiography that makes you think deep and hard after you have finished the book but you know what, I learned things at just the right time and God's providence is never typical. SO onward with the life lessons...

1. Focusing on making others happy will make you stop feeling sorry for yourself.

2. Having a servants' heart requires patience and losing the false pride. And this is hard to do. It's something I definitely have to work on.

3. God is always there. He is SO good to all of us. He blesses us with wonderful relationships and gives us exactly what we need. He is the best teacher... He is patient, kind, loving, and He has the best sense of humor. (Our sense of humor is a gift from God, by the way. It is a part of Himself that He has given us.) Anyway, God loves us. And when He blesses us it's like the sun warming the inside of our hearts. And this weekend, I really FELT God's presence. A lot. I felt uncertain and lonely off and on all weekend but whenever that happened, He was there to fill me up again. He was there, smiling when I smiled, laughing with me, and holding me when the sun went away and the dark clouds emerged as they often seem to do lately. It was great. It was like He was saying, "Don't you know I'm here? Don't you know this is where you are supposed to be right now? Let me teach you what you need to learn. I'm here. It's okay. I have a plan for you. You will be blessed." It was a continual message all weekend. God is Good.

4. Life is a bitch. Yes. There will be sucky times, painful times, confusing times... God is perfect, life is not. We live in a fallen world. There are going to be those times when people just won't change. There will be those times when things really won't get better and it is what it is. But you know what, God is there. And through these trials HE IS STILL GOOD. He is still teaching us and loving us, and He is there to make sure we won't fall for an eternity. God won't tear something down if He's not going to build it back up. (think back to when Jesus said He was going to destroy the old temple and rebuild it in 3 days). When something is snatched out of our lives, or when something just blows up in our faces, we have to take a breath and let it go and remember that God is here and He is creating a new work. A NEW FREAKIN WORK that will BLESS us and BLESS others if we let it.

5. If we give up everything to God, He will give us the things He wants us to have. Things that are filled with His joy and blessing that far surpasses the things we have surrendered to Him. Simple as that. It's just a matter of actually letting go of the rest of the ish...

6. I have some pretty damn amazing friends.

7. GhostRider is officially my least favorite rollercoaster at Knott's. But that's another adventure.

Okay, well, this blog is sloppy, ugly, and totally unedited but I just wanted to get my thoughts out there and say I will edit it later.

Adieu!

what i like about life.

2010-04-07T01:18:00.000-07:00

a long and rambling compilation, written as memories come to mind.

blasting music from the car with the windows rolled down, the joy of God filling you up, waking up to a bright blue sky, waking up to the rain, the first five seconds of a rollercoaster, body surfing, sitting with your best friends on the couch totally bored and talking about random crap, being in the middle of a crowd of people, with loud music blaring and something crazy going on next to you, the ecstasy you feel when you see a band play live and they FINALLY play your favorite song, DDR, frozen yogurt, biking on the beach with your two best friends, LA at night, checking out a book from the library, ice cream mochi, walking on the pier with your 7 favorite people, that feeling you get when you first enter The Happiest Place On Earth, headbands in my hair, skinny jeans, acrylics, laughing like an idiot, that little rush you get when he first leans in to kiss you, funfetti cupcakes, endorphins, stretching out to relaxing music, carnivals, waking up in the morning thinking "what happened last night?", hopping into a hot shower on a really cold night, waking up early and falling back asleep, downloading a bunch of songs onto itunes for free, sitting in the yard with your friends as the sun starts to set, bonfires, renting out a movie and watching it at home after a long day, making someone laugh, nostalgia, biting into a piece of gum, playing tag at night, TPing someone's house on a spur of the moment evening, crying because the movie is so touching, finding a cool video on YouTube, hopping fences trespassing being loud and other shenanigans, jamba juice on a warm day, dancing, the feeling you get on stage, Cars (the movie), singing the lyrics to your favorite musical while you're driving somewhere, anywhere, going to bed knowing the next day is going to kick ass, falling asleep smiling because of what he said to you, hiking, sitting around a campfire, caves, driving long distances with a great mix in the car, writing a perfect sentence, those moments where you know this is exactly where you're supposed to be, finding a really cute shirt for a cheap price, connecting with someone through hours of conversation, a new crush, finding yet another song you absolutely love, the love, peace, and joy of God.

These are things that make life grand :)

<3

Once upon a time...

2010-04-05T00:02:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time I knew exactly who I was.

I knew what I stood for, what I liked, where I wanted to go in life... I was comfortable with who I was, because I understood me.

But somewhere, between the summer and now, I completely and totally changed. The person I have become at school isn't who I am at all. I don't even recognize her and it's a bit scary.

Some things changed for the better. I've definitely learned to rely on God and I've grown spiritually.

But everything else? It's kinda been flipped upside down and I'm scrambling trying to retain it.

As stupid and cliche as this sounds, I'm just trying to remember who I am.

Think Simba from The Lion King, post father's traumatizing death.

Anyway... hopefully between now and the summer I'll be closer to figuring myself out. I hope Spring Break will be a break... a break from myself :p

Peace out home slices.

<3

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T20:32:00.001-07:00

Thank you Jesus for conquering death once and for all, for loving us enough to die on the cross, and most importantly, for allowing us to freely worship You and celebrate this holiday!

One of my favorite parts of Easter is decorating Easter eggs! Every year since we were kids, my siblings and I help dye eggs with Bachan (Grandma) before everyone comes over for dinner. Sure, we're all in college/high school now but that doesn't mean we're too old, right? ;)

My family and I watched The Blind Side for the first time too! Great movie, I have to say. So overall, a relaxing and enjoyable Easter holiday :)

I hope you enjoyed yours tooooo.

<3

Ashes & Wine

2010-03-25T20:18:00.000-07:00

Ashes & Wine

Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
I'll drown in my tear storming sea
That would show you,
That would make you hurt like me

All the same,
I don't want mud-slinging games
It's just a shame
To let you walk away

Is there a chance,
A fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight
Is there a chance
You may change your mind
Or are we ashes and wine?

Shut it out, I've got no claim on you now
I'm not allowed to wear your freedom down

Is there a chance,
A fragment of light
At the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight
Is there a chance
You may change your mind
Or are we ashes and wine?
Reduced to ashes and wine
Or are we ashes...

2010 so far:

2010-03-25T19:55:00.000-07:00

So my creativity has been lacking morosely, especially in the writing department. Writer's block is the worst. There are no ideas, your usual waterfall of vocabulary has dried into a small puddle of boring, and the blog suffers greatly.

I blame it on the rigors of academia and social obligations ;)

Anyway, due to this dull spell, I have decided to resort to... dare I say it... whoring my blog out. With photos. A lot of them.

To celebrate surviving 1/4 of the year with minimal drama and a lot of fun :)

Friends, familiy, dancing, parties, Disneyland, and lately the beach... yeah, life is good :)

Voila!

But i've been busy with school too!! I'm taking my first photo class and so far it's been fun. I'm a PR major so it's not really at the top of my to-do list but taking photos has been quite fun :)

*Photo whore session complete*

<3

Bleh.

2010-03-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

Story time:

I was sitting on my bed doing homework, listening to some tunes, being content in general.

And then I realized I had misunderstood an assignment and I would have to do a rush job and get it finished tomorrow (Wednesday) for a Thursday class.

Suddenly, I felt totally, completely stressed and depressed.

I can finish the assignment easily, and there's no doubt I'll be able to get it done in the required time. It's totally no big.
But this one little thing has somehow set off an overwhelming sense of sadness.

My heart feels heavy, I suddenly lack the motivation I've had going for the past few weeks, and I'd rather curl up into a ball right now and sleep until the morning. I feel like the whole of me is shrinking inward. I want to cry. I want to lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling... well, let me rephrase that, I laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling for about 30 minutes. And now I'm on here, telling you the story. I'm waiting for the inexplicable sadness to pass, and I'm sure it will shortly.

But really? How weird is that? One baby thing sets off all this unwarranted sadness and loneliness? This has been going on for awhile now but never to this extreme.

This is so weird. I don't get it. I just might be going crazy :p

Bleh.

Linkage

2010-03-21T23:08:00.000-07:00

Mid-terms and finals in general pretty much suck. There is no such thing as a fun final, except for in Harry Potter.

So while the stress builds up to massive proportions, I let off some steam by one of the best time-wasters in the world: browsing the Internet.

Here are some of my favorite sites...

Facebook/Twitter/formspring - networking and all that goes with it.

CollegeFashion - what can I say, I like lusting after outfits and seeing what's out there.

PostSecret - nuff' said.

FMyLife - because there is always someone else who has had a worse day than yours

CollegeCandy - so funny! My favorites are the Morning Afters :]

CollegeHumor - It's like the best thing ever dude! well, not really. but it's good for some laughs :]

GivesMeHope - gives you hope...

FuckYeahPuns- ....hahahaha. (the picture is from this site, btw)

TheGoodBlogs - probably my favorite way to browse different blogs out there :) Oh, and I have found a new fascination with confectionary/dessert blogs. Blame it on my sweet tooth, I personally gravitate towards this site during my afternoon classes :p

National Geographic - photography is always great. and it's fun to see the world.

TextsFromLastNight- as we all know, these nights can and will happen.

Yahoo! - they have "Top 10s" for everything, the most pointless and interesting articles, AND the news, all on one page. It's the best.

and of course, the best for last:

StumbleUpon - just do it. it will change your life. or something along those lines.

Anyway, that being said, Obamacare is officially in motion. I sincerely hope it will work, with even more sincere doubts that it will only put our country into more debt.

But that's just me and my libertarian grumbling kicking in ;)

That being said... Happy Sunday! Hope Monday treats everyone well...

<3

Missions Conference 2010

2010-03-17T23:22:00.000-07:00

So every year Biola takes 3 days off of school to focus on mission outreach around the world.

This has only been the first day but God has already shown us His amazing power and presence in so many ways!

I'll probably post a more in-depth blog about all the things that have been going on but to sum it up in a few words...

Missions Conference provides us with speakers from around the world talking about what it means to have a heart for Christ, awesome worship, and a campus-wide opportunity to raise awareness of all the pain going on in the world, and what we as Christians can do about it.

It's been great and the Holy Spirit just came down on Biola tonight. It was so refreshing to see God at work in such a visible way. Tonight was a reminder of why I chose this school in the first place.

I've been asking God over and over this semester to show me my purpose, where I'm supposed to be going in life. I've been frustrated because I still feel so lost about it. Tonight changed that.

Tonight one of the pastors said that even though this week is about missions, first and foremost we needed to get our hearts right before God, and to figure out the idols in our lives and throw them away.

And that just blew my mind.

Because these past two months, in devotions and in church, freakin everywhere, I have been studying and learning about the importance of putting God first before all idols. Casting out our idols has been a constant message this year. So now I'm starting to think maybe God's trying to tell me something.

And I think that something might be that (in the words of Mitch Hedberg) I have my priorities crooked.

I'm just going to be honest here and say my idols are many, but they all can be summed up in one word: ME.

It's all about me lately. What I wear, what I eat, who I date, what party I go to, where I'll end up, what I need right now, blahblahBLAH. So self-centered, right?

I've been letting my selfish wants and dreams get in the way of God and His voice.

So tonight I just started praying and asking God to remove all the crap and help me to focus on HIM. I need Him to call me out on my sins. Because to confess and be forgiven is to be loved. And having love is needed for having compassion. And compassion is needed to give to others.

It was amazing to have Jesus just love on me tonight, loving on everyone in that room, forgiving me and cleansing my heart for the millionth time. And then to pray with my friends, for them and our struggles, and feeling the Holy Spirit moving and working in our hearts was so... wonderful.

It was the most refreshing, inspiring vision to see my fellow classmates just worshiping God. I know He's going to do great things. I can only pray that He will show me what part I am to play in His plan.

This was only the first day and I'm excited to see what else is going to happen this week but, wow.

I hope to post some links and information about missions trips that are heading out this year and the many different causes to be praying for and supporting.

But for now, I can only muster up the energy to say God is good, God spoke tonight, and even though my purpose in life still isn't clear, He will tell me, when the time is right.

Good night everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful St. Patty's,

<3

just thought I'd point out,

2010-03-11T00:03:00.000-08:00

there are 82 days until summer.

82 days until I can lay on the beach all afternoon and sleep or swim as my heart desires.

82 days until the only books I'll read are my novels and magazines.

82 days until I can eat food from home every freakin wonderful day.

82 days until I pack my bags, give the finger to the thought of homework and exams, and bid my roommate farewell.

82 days until I can stay up all night and sleep in until ten.

82 days until the only reality I have to face is the beach, the pool, and bbqs.

Summer 2010, thou shalt be better appreciated than Summer 2009.

I plan to thoroughly enjoy you until the last drop of warmth disappears.

<3

P.S. Internships, missions trips, studying abroad, full-time jobs... can wait until the fall (mostly). I am going to take a 2 month vacation before the real world sets itself upon me.

Playlist 2010

2010-03-02T18:15:00.001-08:00

Every few months or so I post a playlist reflecting the current status of my life.

Sadly, spring semester dictates that my life be nothing more than varying degrees of exhaustion and apathy (hello, do I have the time or energy for anything else?), so my playlist for this month doesn't really have any meaningful emotion in it. But I'm in a relatively happy place, and these songs just go with it :]

2010

1. Chasing Pavements - Adele
2. Young Folk - Peter, Bjorn and John
3. Fitz and Dizzyspells - Andrew Bird
4. Transparence - Asobi Seksu
5. Imma Be - Black Eyed Peas
6. Blah, Blah, Blah - Ke$ha
7. Skylark - Bobby Darin
8. Falling For You - Colbie Caillat
9. The Scientist - Coldplay
10. A Fine Frenzy... One Cell In The Sea album in general
11. Lust For Life - Girls
12. Hourglass - The Hush Sound
13. Better Together - Jack Johnson
14. I Do Not Hook Up - Kelly Clarkson
15. Tie Me Down - New Boyz
16. Nobody Has To Know - The Last 5 Years
17. The Chain - Ingrid Michaelson
18. The New Year - Parachute
19. Dancing In The Moonlight - Toploader
20. We Run L.A. - Ya Boy
21. Undisclosed Desires - Muse

Graphic Credit

Weekend = Success

2010-02-28T23:32:00.001-08:00

Description: playing pool, hot tubbing, good conversation, power outage, partyyy, Harry Potter, scrapbook shopping, family dinner.

I normally don't post about my personal life [aka weekend shenanigans, adventures, etc] but for tonight, why not.

Obviously, there was a lovely assortment of adventures had this weekend, all of which made me realize [yet again] how much I enjoy the people God has placed in my life. I could go on and on about the various events of the weekend but I suppose the best way to sum it all up would be with this song:

After Hours

This door is always open,
This door is always open,
No one has the guts to shut us out.
But if we have to go now,
I guess there’s always hope that,
Some place will be serving after hours.

This night is winding down but
Time means nothing,
As always at this hour
Time means nothing,
One final final round cause
Time means nothing,
Say that you’ll stay

We’re all right where we’re supposed to be,
We're all right where we're supposed to be
Time means nothing...

[We Are Scientists]

My friends are the shiz. My family is wonderful. Life is [at present] totally good :]

And now I reluctantly close this blog, and pull my blankets around me, and close my eyes preparing for the craziness of Monday. And mid-terms. And projects. And essays.

Can you say March Madness, anyone?

Cheers to this weekend though :D

<3

Graphic Credit

so...

2010-02-23T11:55:00.001-08:00

I can't tell whether I'm running away from my problems or if they are dissipating with time.

Let's hope it's the latter.

Because lately, it feels like they are resurrecting themselves. And I can't deal with that this semester.

Luckily, I'm so busy that I don't have time to think about them and they so far have dealt with and fixed themselves.

But does that mean I'm running away from my problems, or are they going away?

And so another thought circle begins.

Oh boy.

2010-02-21T23:43:00.001-08:00

This weekend:

-Disneyland-work-movie night(s)-fro yo-Seaside-Michael Jackson-friends-laughter-Dennys-

All cumulating into an intense void where my motivation used to reside.

I love weekends like these. They're relaxing and fun, spent with the people I like the most. Sunshine & rain, nights out and nights in, deep conversations, hysterical laughter, and whatever else fitting in between. That would be the definition of a weekend well spent.

But that only makes facing a new week harder.

Projects, classes, exams, essays, work, responsibilities in general... not down.

It's all part of life, yeah I know you don't have to tell me.

But I just have to say, you can measure a good weekend by the unwillingness you feel about facing blah boring Monday.

On the bright side... The Bachelor & My Life As Liz are also coming up tomorrow night :D

<3

A thought.

2010-02-20T11:50:00.001-08:00

You know those moments where you're laughing so hard your stomach hurts and tears form in your eyes?

It's one of the best things about life.

[Happy] Singles Awareness Day

2010-02-11T19:57:00.000-08:00

So. Valentine's Day aka S.A.D.

The day when couples cuddle together in warmth and love. The day when singles all over America sulk by their lonesome selves, thinking various statements along the lines of "F*** my life" until the holiday is over and life resumes in a rational manner.

But despite the overdose of bubbly-ness and bitterness this holiday douses us with, I will honestly proclaim I'm okay with being single on V-day. More than okay. Happy, even.

I've never had beef with Valentine's Day. I haven't had an exceptional one, nor have I been in a relationship during this time of year but this day has always been fun, usually a better day than the rest of the week.

You would think this year would be the year for me to sulk on the 14th, what with most of my close friends in relationships, and my romantic prospects so dry and empty the Sahara desert seems like a rainforest, but I'm actually looking forward to the day.

I've come to the conclusion that having a boyfriend isn't going to fill my needs. I mean, it will, for a little smidgen of time, but Jesus has to be my first love. He's the only one that's going to come through with His promises. And until I get my relationship with Him sorted out I really can't focus on anyone else :p

I want to be so in love with Jesus that the boyfriend will only be the icing on the cake.

I don't know why it's taken me 19 years to come to this realization, but hallelujah here I am.

I have great friends and family I adore spending time with, and I'm just working on juggling a job, 18 units, applying for scholarships and internships, and maintaining a decent weight.

So on this Valentine's Day, I gladly wish all the couples out there a "happy V-day" and I can't wait until I have someone to spend it with. But I am utterly content with watching The Shining (eeek) with two of my lovely lady friends, eating Sees candies and enjoying my favorite day of the week: SUNDAY!

All this to say, S.A.D. shouldn't be sad. It should be happy!

And I really, genuinely, am happy :)

Photo Credit

Book of Life

2010-02-06T01:11:00.000-08:00

Everyone is familiar with the "your life is like a book" analogy. I enjoy comparing my life to a book, because it narrows the chaos of it into chapters, calming the madness enough to reflect upon it. Each season (whether it be fall, summer, a hard time, a relationship, etc.) reads like a chapter. You read a page, you laugh, cry, or smile as the occasion sees fit, and then you move on. That is the way a book of life should be.

Stagnation is not an option here.

For the past 4 months I stared at the same page. Over, and over, and over. The same story, never changing.

It was time to flip the page.

The story needed to progress, for my thought processes, character developments, and experiences were all the same.

Now I've started a new chapter.

Like any book, this chapter might be more boring than the last, or it might be more exciting, more life changing, or simply more intriguing. I'll just have to keep reading--living--to find out.

One thing I know is this: God is the author of this book, and He will NEVER write a chapter of it without a purpose.

So no matter what this new chapter holds, I will read it eagerly, looking to see where this particular plot line will take me :)

And obviously, I will write about each twist and turn on this blog!

Ciao loves, & have a wonderful Superbowl Sunday.

GO SAINTS!!!

<33

Dear Someone,

2010-01-30T01:22:00.001-08:00

Whoever you are, this song goes out to you:

the power of...

2010-01-08T21:05:00.000-08:00

Never underestimate the power of a good meditation session.

One of my goals for 2010 is to lose the Freshman 15 that I somehow managed to gain in my sophomore year. I'll chalk it up to it being my first year away from home ;)

Sorry, straying from the point...

Anywho, upon finding myself alone at home this Friday night, I decided to work-out at home. A pilates/cardio session, followed by strength training left me feeling empowered but also hot and sweaty. In order to cool myself down, I put on some great meditating music and sat my butt down in my room, closed my eyes, and focused my mind on the awesomeness of God.

Then after an excruciating 5 minutes (due to my lack of self-discipline and my twitter-trained attention span) I began to stretch out my legs and core when sitting still became, well, boring.

However the music was playing the whole time and I now sit on the couch, not sweaty, well stretched and perfectly relaxed. It seems as if my mind hath dipped itself into a cold refreshing pool and resurfaced feeling alive again.

Ahhhh....

I am more relaxed now than I have been in months. I really must commit to doing this more often :)

[[if you're curious, here's my meditation music, courtsey of Pudget Sound]]

2009:

2009-12-26T16:04:00.000-08:00

Well, my first year as an adult has ended, and I am happy to see it go. However, I'm only glad to see it leave in lieu of the new year of adventure that awaits me :)

get your own layout here.

At the risk of sounding totally nostalgic and pensive I have decided to take a look back on the weirdness of 2009.

If I learned one stark fact of reality, it is this:

Shit happens, and it happens to everyone.

Deal with it! Figure out a way to get through the mess, celebrate the good times, and keep the optimism on high. 2009 has been both fun and hard. The passing of a loved one, a friendship faded into nothing, relationships rising and then dying, going to college... tough things have come to pass, because that's life.

I've made new friends, renewed old friendships, and had so many truly "good times." Plus I've gained some valuable life lessons from it all ;)

I'm so happy--so amazed that I've come through it all just in time to celebrate the end of 2009 with a genuine smile on my face. I have a clear head. I've made it through losing a best friend at the beginning of the year, and my first semester of college, at the end of it. Closure, moving on, finding new life... yeah, I've reached the end of a long tiring story, only to find a new chapter of life about to begin.

I'm better off because of it all.

I end 2009 with a healed, strong heart that is 100% ready to love and be loved when the time comes. I end 2009 with a successful academic career in hand, a new job (Thank you GOD), and many loving persons surrounding me. I end 2009 with new goals and dreams in mind, with many dreams fulfilled.

Essentially, I end 2009 with a sense of contentment and understanding, and replace it with a strong, vibrant hope and determination to live out 2010 to the fullest.

Call me cheesy, call me corny, but I'm ready to begin the new year right: with all the love and wisdom that 2009 was so good to give me.

Bring it on and a happy new year!

<333

lost.

2009-12-20T11:06:00.000-08:00

It's safe to say that I have no clue what I'm doing.

Carrying on in a disastrous, impetuous, impulsive way seems to be the only thing I know how to do at present.

All I can say is, thank God that He's in charge of my life, because I'm definitely not.

Stand by for when this storm blows over!

Reflections of a First Semester Freshman

2009-12-09T23:15:00.000-08:00

Or am I sophomore?

I feel like a freshman, and until my transcripts transfer over, that's what my records say too.

My first year of "college" (community college...) felt like an extension of senior year. Just bsing through classes, hanging out with the bffs, partying on the weekends, arguing with the parents, etc.

Regardless of what year I am, the fact is that this was my first semester at a 4-year university, dorming and being on my own. It was my first real college experience, and as such, it deserves a bit of blog-time.

I left home something resembling an emotional wreck, with low self-esteem and a jagged perspective on life and how to live it. I'm coming back totally changed. My spiritual life is getting back on track, my self-esteem has risen [almost] back to what it used to be, and my perspective on life--school, friends, and boys--has taken a turn for the better. It's awesome.

Nothing miraculous happened. I met some people, made a few friends, did some things that are essential to living a good life, taken a few more steps towards my career etc. But somehow, during my three and a half short months at school, I learned that even when you're feeling really down and everything seems impossible, there are ways to get through the day and to just do what you need to do. Life goes on and you can choose to greet with with a buzzkill frown or you can meet it with a smile and a prayer. Guess which one is better?

I learned to do homework and NOT procrastinate (sometimes), I learned to balance social life and school (for once), and I actually ran more than a mile in one day! I also gained 10 pounds but that's what Winter Break is for, isn't it?

I think one of the most important things I learned this semester is to let it go. Just... stop giving a damn. So things didn't work out like you wanted them to, so you didn't get the job, so all your friends still get money from their parents... so you don't have the perfect life. Whatever. I've learned to count my blessings. I started thanking God for my blessings as I fell asleep and you know what? I honestly have yet to fall asleep thinking I've "had the worst day ever."

I think this rather uneventful semester at school has taught me to think positively, to just press on... it's been good.

It's nice to actually belong to a school too. To actually have a school mascot, school colors, school spirit. Don't homeschool your kids guys, they'll grow up to have a school identity complex.

This is a rather shoddy excuse for a blog and I promise once the craziness of finals has ended I will edit it to accomodate your small, attention span deficiencies but until then, thanks for reading if you got to this point :)

Here's to a wonderful Christmas Break, with zero romance and 100% good times with friends and family.

<3

Spring Semester

2009-12-05T11:35:00.000-08:00

Well, Fall semester is almost done and I am stoked!

It's been an interesting three months, plenty of struggles but an equal amount of good times, new friends and new memories :)

That being said, I'm also looking forward to Spring semester!

Monday:

9:30-10:25 Chapel
12:00-1:15 NT History & Lit
1:30-2:45 Math 120
6:00-8:00 Dance

Tuesday:

8:30-9:20 Intermediate Swimming
10:30-11:45 Foundations of Christian thought
12:00-1:15 Principles and Practice of Editing and Design
2:30-5:00 Work

Wednesday:

9:30-10:25 Chapel
12:00-1:15 NT History & Lit
1:30-2:45 Math 120
3:00-5:50 Intro to Public Relations

Thursday:

8:30-9:20 Intermediate Swimming
10:30-11:45 Foundations of Christian Thought
12:00-1:15 Principles and Practice of Editing and Design
4:03-6:20 Intro to Photo Editing and Design (if they let me add!)

Friday:

8:00-9:30 Work
9:30-10:25 Chapel
2:00-5:00 Work

And I'll be working whenever I'm not in class ... mostly monday mornings & tuesday afternoons, + friday i believe?
*fingers crossed that this job follows through*

So it looks like Spring will be cuhrazzyyy.
Should be good. Can't wait to see what God has planned :D

Current Obsessions

2009-11-22T23:47:00.001-08:00

Just thought it'd be fun to share some of my favorites [right now]:

The Notebook;;

Photo Credit

Yes. Even though the book is much better, I've come to enjoy the passion and strength of the love Noah and Allie share with each other. And the 40's fashion is always a great inspiration ;)

The Temptations;;

Photo Credit

I've reverted back to oldies, mostly from the 60s. To be specific, My Girl has been on repeat for quite awhile...

Friends;;

Photo Credit

Okay so confession... I've been obsessed since early June and I have proceeded to watch every episode since. But seeing as there is a HUGE poster in my room, and I'm re-watching every episode AGAIN, it is definitely still a current :]

Hilary Duff;;

Photo Credit

I love her body and fashion sense! I endeavor to have an in-shape body like hers haha :] I've actually been following her fitness plan [because yes, i am in fact a dork], and it's pretty much been my nutrition Bible :D

Hollister/A&F hoodies;;

Photo Credit

Yes I half-shamefully admit that I have reverted into my highschool obsession of those comfortable but slightly overpriced hoodies that they sell... as in, buying a few more this holiday season most likely :x don't hate!

Working out at the gym;;

Photo Credit

In a previous blog I mentioned that I was in love with Exercise TV and that I would never hit the gym if I could avoid it. Well, guess what, I caved. And I am in love with all the exercise equipment and don't get me started on classes!

Disneyland;;

Photo Credit

My love for that place has resparked recently. Yes, four years later and I'm still going strong, with my AP as an engagement ring hehe :]

Victoria's Secret Lipgloss;;

Photo Credit

Enough said.

Hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving!

<33

Autumn ending.

2009-11-19T19:10:00.000-08:00

Photo Credit.
Fall. I prefer the word Autumn :] There’s something poetic about it. It seems to wrap crunchy leaves, clear skies, and pumpkin spice frappucinos in itself, and suggests the feeling of a warm scarf around your neck.

I’ve always taken immense contentment in appreciating the seasons. There is just something so pleasant in noting the changes in the weather, and the passage of time that it signifies.

I sit outside, under a patio made of vine-covered brick, listening to a bird chirp, the fountain bubble, and intellectual conversation around me. I feel the slightest of slight breezes, I take note of the clear blue sky, and I smile as I take in the fresh feeling of a typical fall afternoon at my university.

Fall signifies change. It has been a slow season for romance, as usual. My focus is almost entirely on school and job responsibilities. Family comes in a close second, and my social life is sporadic, though fun.

It is tense each day, because something is bound to change sooner or later and I wonder what this change could be.

Last year it was meeting a new group of friends, it was waiting to be ungrounded, it was reaching into the unknown...

I’m going to Santa Barbara next weekend and I couldn’t be more excited. A change of scenery, distance between school and myself, distance between my usual thought process. I wish it could always be so.

Something changed this week. I've just broken down. I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm tired of going around in circles. I'm tired of living in my head.

been there done that way too many times before.

Fall is change.
Autumn is change.
Hello season of different.

full of possibilities

2009-11-15T01:11:00.000-08:00

this past weekend i turned nineteen.

i'm not one to look back on my 18 short years of life for long amounts of time, but i realize that my 18th year could have been better spent.

don't get me wrong, there were MANY good times, few bad times, and spurts of growth, but it wasn't enough. i lived my year out with zest and adventure, but not with passion and purpose.

that is what i want to change this year. my nineteenth year from God.

Photo Credit

i just want to laugh at the little things and love until my heart breaks (again). I want to appreciate what I have, and work for the things I want. I want to grasp my studies, job, responsibilities, and meld them into something i call my career. I want to travel a little bit and gain some more wisdom while i'm at it. I want to seek God, feel His compassion, and follow my calling, if I can hear it.

i just want to freakin LIVE.

i've been way too focused on the now... too focused on the next party, the next meal, the next dance sesh...

man.

can i just experience everything to the utmost part of my soul, mind, and body? can i just feel the fullness of LIFE?

Metal Tooth:

2009-11-11T13:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm not saying this because I'm friends with these guys, but this show is hilariousss.

I'll write a review in full later, but for now, just watch the video.

Everyone needs that extra laugh in their life.

Check it out!

<33

Whiling Away A Saturday Afternoon

2009-11-07T13:14:00.000-08:00

Photo Credit
Saturday afternoons were meant for recreation and/or relaxation.

I'm fairly certain that it was in God's divine plan to have a day set aside for pure relaxation and enjoyment. (Don't believe me? Read Genesis Chapter 1!)

Though I would rather be out biking by the beach or relaxing with a best friend, I chose today to do two things I've been putting off for a very long time.

First, I'm watching one of my all-time favorite movies (though I've seen it only once), Somewhere In Time.

Photo Credit

It is, in my humble opinion, one of the best, if not the best romantic movies of the past five decades. And the soundtrack just kicks your soul into an uplifted state of beauty.

And I'm also writing. This movie seems to inspire me to write more than any other movie does.

And so, with a glass of cold water in my hand, a wonderful love story unfolding via the TV, the warm breezes of a California autumn singing through the screen door, and my Mac on my lap, I resign myself to a relaxing afternoon at home, without the stress of college.

Photo Credit

These moments are rare. I hope to savor this one :]

Raditude, the radical.

2009-11-05T00:57:00.001-08:00

Check out my review on this album! :]

http://chimes.biola.edu/content/article/2009/nov/04/weezer-recovers-raditude/

<33

"I'm driving drunk...arrest me?"

2009-11-04T14:47:00.000-08:00

Yes... apparently some people feel the need to turn themselves in to the cops.

It's stupid to drink and drive, but this... this is just a whole new level of WOW.

focus:

2009-11-02T15:05:00.000-08:00

life without focus is life without a plan.

and unfortunately, despite my tendency to "wing" the little things in life (i.e. homework, exams, weekend plans, etc), i have found that winging life is just another way of watching the next 15 years pass by with little accomplished and much time wasted.

so. focus:

-finding God
-learning to love myself & be happy with who I am
-improving on what I dislike about myself
-finding God's purpose for me
-moving on

It's all about moving forward and sinking inward. Enough about the past, enough about projecting an image, it's time to be real. It's time to LIVE IN THE NOW. It's time to take a look at myself and ask, "seriously, who the hell are you?"

I've stopped caring. I've stopped looking for love, for creativity, for care, for security, for happiness...

Now I'm just living on a day-to-day basis, based off the aforementioned scavenger hunt of discovery, and praying that this whole thing won't be for naught.

Do I make sense? Probably not.

Mosiac Interpretation

2009-10-28T12:24:00.000-07:00

This is me:

Photo Credit:
heather bokeh ..dedicated to dear Heather !, 2. When Waves Collide, 3. re-ment cake madness, 4. Fresh Slices, 5. Opening Ceremony, 6. Untitled, 7. Paragliding along the Aurlandfjords, 8. FP :The Joy of Friendship, 9. Bliss 4

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search (http://www.flickr.com/).
b. Using ONLY the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Mosaic Maker. Change rows to 3 and columns to 3 (http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php).
d. Save the image and post it on this note.
e. If you're tagged, pass it on and tag me, too!

The Questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite color?
3. What is your favorite food?
4. Favorite drink?
5. Dream vacation?
6. Favorite hobby?
7. What do you want to be when you grow up?
8. What do you love most in life?
9. One word to describe you?
In this photo: coke, turquoise, barbeque

Law-Abiding Citizen

2009-10-25T02:27:00.000-07:00

Photo Credit

Given that it was a Saturday night and I was actually not busy, what better way to spend it than with a wonderful old friend and a good movie? Honestly, it doesn't get much better than that after a long week of conferences, clubbing, and crying.

We were supposed to see Paranormal Activity, but because it was sold out, we watched Law-Abiding Citizen instead.

It was a well-made movie, balancing furious action with "omg what the f*ck is going on" suspense, and smart dialogue with smart ass banter.

While this may be a standard action/law flick, it wasn't entirely predictable. You're watching the plot of a total psycho unfold, and as such, you have no idea what to expect. I mean, the guy is a flippin' NUT, thus his actions are most unexpected. Jamie Foxx is excellent as always, making the a smooth transition from detached worker of the law to a furious, justice seeking badass. Gerard Butler also did a great job. His acting was subtle in that you could catch a flicker of sanity as he remembered his family and felt a shiver of terror when you saw his total lack of morality. It was just so REAL at times. You keep bouncing back and forth between rooting for the law (which we all secretly hate), to rooting for Clyde, despite his seriously disturbed methods of fighting The Man.

Bottom line: this is a movie worth seeing.

It makes you question the law, it makes you question the stability of your mind, and it makes you question what happens when you die. A triple threat, right?

And now it is time for me to yawn loudly and return to watching the Yankees vs. Angels.

ANGELS FTW!!!!

<33

viva la vida

2009-10-08T11:26:00.000-07:00

There are not enough hours in the day, and not enough days in the week, to post the brilliant onslaught of bloggage that I wished to smother you with.

Sarcasm runs abundant in the previous sentence, by the way.

*sigh*

I have some great posts I would like to eventually publish but as it stands, my schedule is too hectic to forge out even a smattering of witticisms.

However, this weekend may actually be a tame one (HA who am I kidding...), or at least, there may be a few hours come Saturday or Sunday, for me to post something worth reading.

So stay tuned! It'll be here!

I have just wasted a good minute or so of your life.

Have a good day!

<33

The Event Planner

2009-09-19T01:56:00.000-07:00

"'For I know that plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me an I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'"
-Jeremiah 29:11

God isn't going to give us things we can't handle. He's going to use us for His will and glory. It's just hard to remember the Big Guy Upstairs when we're so swamped in homework, jobs, careers, and just life in general. But it really helps me to sit back for a moment and realize that it is His plans that are perfect, and not mine. It is His plans that are going to be fulfilled, not mine.

I am a planner, so I have a tendency to want to control everything to attain the outcome that I want. But I have to constantly remind myself that God is the true event planner here. He handles all the PR stuff. It's God who knows the right people to call, who communicates with everyone, and puts the right notifications out there... and he doesn't even need Facebook or Twitter to do it.

It's God who controls my finances, insures my safety, and guides my steps. Well, he tries to guide my steps, and I'm sure just like other event planners, He shakes His head sadly as His distracted and bumbling clients [aka me] dithers and dathers in an indecisive circle.

God is perfect, and so is His will--in the words of Paul, His pleasing, perfect will. His plans will never hurt us, but prosper us.

So why are we so dead set on trying to fix everything; trying to get that boy to like us, trying to get our careers started, trying to walk the path we've set for ourselves... all very admirable ambitions to be sure, but sometimes we have to sit back and say "Jesus, You know what's up here. I'ma pray for a lil bit and let You tell me what to do."

It's hard, but at the same time so relieving to know that we have an event planner doing all the big things for us. All we have to do is listen to Him and do as He says, so that by the end of this party we call life, we can go to Heaven knowing that His will has been done, and that our purpose has been fulfilled.

God is the ultimate event planner, and the ultimate event planner doesn't plan anything that could make our parties go awry.

It's the guests and the hosts (us), that do that bit ;)

<33

The Soundtrack To My Summer

2009-09-12T16:06:00.000-07:00

As the warm breezes of summer gives way to the crisp autumn air, I sit outside soaking up the waning rays of a summer sun. I find, true to form, that there are several songs that will forever be define my Summer 2009. The list is as follows, each with a special meaning, memory, or feeling that will stand out for a while:

1. The Little Things - Colbie Caillat
2. Feeling Alright - Rebelution
3. All Again For You - We The Kings
4. Who I Am Hates Who I've Been - Relient K
5. This Love - Maroon 5
6. Down - Jay Sean
7. Dreaming With A Broken Heart - John Mayer
8. Bubbly - Colbie Caillat
9. I've Got A Feeling - Black Eyed Peas
10. Girls On The Dance Floor - Far East Movement
11. Sinner - Big B ft. Scott Russo
12. You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift
13. August Is Over - We The Kings
14. My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson
15. After Hours - We Are Scientists
16. Enter Sandman - Metallica
17. Don't Trust Me - 3oh!3
18. That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings
19. West Coast Friendship - Owl City
20. Secret Valentine - We The Kings

and for the record, I didn't leave my heart in the South Bay. Oh no, it's beating strongly [for the most part] and it is definitely right here with me :]

heather in wonderland

2009-09-10T11:10:00.000-07:00

College life has had its ups and downs but despite the downs I without a doubt, love it. To even imagine myself being stuck at community college yet another year blows my mind, it makes me nauseous. I feel like Alice when she fell down that rabbit hole and began her dream; somewhat bewildered by the changes in her world, but pursuing the White Rabbit and seeking for answers with dogged determination. This new world makes her see things differently, as it should, and she meets the most interesting of characters along the way.

My old life is still intact, my friends, family, and trials are still present. But this new life offers me a way to grow, spiritually, physically, mentally, and it helps revives me emotionally. The ennui I felt so often this past year has ceased to plague me.

College. It makes you thrive, it challenges you, it makes you laugh and smile, it makes you exhausted. It makes you feel as if you're truly trying to Carpe Diem.

I feel independent [albeit not financially.This is the time to forget about past mistakes and start over, clean and refreshed, but with the lessons I've learned from high school.

I feel like a child, surrounded by thousands of balloons, each one holding a new direction to follow in life, and it's all mine for the choosing. I'll probably end up spinning in dizzying circles trying to catch every one at once, and though I know I can't do everything, I'm willing to try!

Cheers to insanity friends, this is my college life.